Go Away White-Marked Tussock Moth Caterpillar
I love being outside. Love sitting in the grass and feeling the blades tickle my ankles. Ah, that’s a pretty active tickle. That’s not grass, something’s crawling on me. Yikes! What is that thing!? Yellow, fuzzy thing with a red head and… is that a stinger? What are those white balls on its back? Are those eggs? Is this thing poisonous? Get off me scary caterpillar! Go away you white-marked tussock moth caterpillar!
My Ascent to Greatness Will Not Be Compromised by the Likes of You
When I was twenty, I went to work for a captain of industry. A titan really.
I met him through the fraternity I had just pledged.
He said, he saw something in me — I had ambition, I had smarts, I had just what he was looking for.
I had reminded him of himself when he was my age.
That was a long time ago. More than twice my life thus far.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of July 5, 2020
I think Donald Trump’s biggest problem is that he didn’t spent enough time around campfires as a kid.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Independence Day Edition
Seeing giant American flags draped across giant crosses as I drive through central Illinois… I love how the irony of crucifying the flag is completely lost on these patriots.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of June 21, 2020
Other than a sailboat, a soundproof booth with a mic and headphones is my favorite place to be.
Selfish Love
It was a hard decision. One Marie had to make alone. Her poor, sick kitty couldn’t weigh in even though it was his opinion that should have mattered most. Cancer. It’s a bummer no matter the species.
Happy Father’s Day, My Son
On Father’s Day, I want what I bet most of the dads I know out there want: time to themselves equal to time with their kids. Really, that’s the dream, isn’t it? I bet it’s the dream of moms, too. And that’s what Mother’s Day is for.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of June 14, 2020
The thing that’s most making me miserable is how much I don’t care about a growing number of things that used to matter to me.
Slothy's Day Out
Slothy has been a good friend to Harry. He’s always been there to play with and comfort Harry. Slothy has always had Harry’s back. He was Harry’s biggest cheerleader when Harry was learning to walk. Because a walking Harry meant Slothy could have more adventures.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of June 9, 2020
City rats are persistent little fuckers. Trump supporters are as persistent like city rats, too. They keep eating his shit and no matter how often he sets traps to kill them or fills in their burrows, they come back for more. Trump supporters and city rats are a lot alike. The big difference is that city rats are far more intelligent.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 24, 2020
You can trust a cop, but you’re a fool to trust the police.
On Birthday 41 and the Things I’ve Learned
Some things don’t change. We are creatures of habit. But we’re also creatures of evolution, and while basking in the happiness that familiarity brings, we also find ourselves on our birthdays with a heart and a brain full of things learned. So, taking my inspiration from a Don Hall tradition of recounting those things leaned in the past year, here’s the short list of what my forty-first trip around the Sun has revealed to me.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 17, 2020
Is there anything in the world cuter than a toddler parroting back to you, “Goddammit! Jesus…”? The answer is yes. That same toddler parroting back to you, “The fuck is your problem?”
The Cereal Wish
Fast & Short is a flash fiction collaboration between eight Literate Ape writers. Each was tasked with authoring one piece of flash fiction that would be combined to create a single short story. The writers’ flash fiction needed to serve two purposes: 1) Stand alone as a unique piece of flash fiction and 2) Serve as a vehicle for building a larger story and driving that story forward. Here is that developing story.
The Cereal Wish | Part 1
Thank God for the dog. If not for her, my girlfriend wouldn’t let me leave the house. When the pandemic got serious, she didn’t care about toilet paper; she b-lined it for the milk. Our freezer is perfectly packed with Swedish meatballs, broccoli florets, and twenty-three gallon-size Ziplocs of milk.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 10, 2020
A lot of people have gotten new puppies during this pandemic. Look, if you need an excuse to go outside, just start smoking. It’s cheaper and cleaner. And I’ve never had to scrub cigarette poo-poo out of a carpet.
If I Die in Hospice
In the instance where my life does not end
Me out there sailing through a sudden squall or
failing to outrun the authorities after a good-natured display of public violence
If I happen to fall victim of illness or extreme age
And die under the care of hospice,
A few things must occur
Lest I haunt this overheated watery rock for eternity
Play the hits.
Trust in the Media is a Necessary Choice
I won’t tell you which sources you should trust. That’s up to you. But I will tell you that the ones you do trust should be sources that are trustworthy. Organizations and individuals that peddle rebuked reports, proven misinformation, and outright lies should not make your list. The internet may be part of the problem, but it’s also the cure. It is easier than ever to fact check and determine the credibility of your news. The thing is, you need to have a little credibility yourself.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of May 3, 2020
I wonder what the COVID-19 memorial will look like. No doubt it’ll dwarf the Vietnam War Memorial. My hope is that the biggest difference between the two is that Trump’s name will be one of them.
The Adventures of Aborted Andy | Episode I: Meeting Your Maker
Andy disassembled his weapon with lighting speed. He packed it away in the black backpack made specifically for a weapon of this sort. He bolted to the roof access door as fast as his little, chubby legs would carry him. He made his way through the condo/office building stairwell without being noticed just as he had done on his way up. Andy was good at his job. And for a nine-month-old baby, he was really good at it.
People stop believing in permanence because permanence stopped believing in them.