Wonder Woman Movie Leads to Gender War and Potential Human Extinction
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of May 28, 2017
• When I see an American flag as a decal on a pick-up truck window or a bald eagle presented as frightful and violent instead of regal on a decal, hat, t-shirt, etc., I get a little nervous...
The Moment Before Blowing Out the Birthday Candles
A birthday wish is not something to be taken lightly. This is not a simple loose eyelash or a shooting star you’re wishing upon. This is your birthday wish and you only get one for the year. It needs to count.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of May 21, 2017
• Some of my Facebook friends are trolls. Some of my Facebook friends troll the trolls. It can be fun to watch the fight play out but it also reminds me that some of my friends are real pricks.
Our Two Children
Yet, there’s a part of us that will rejoice in Donnie’s failure. It will cease further damage done to our nation, and in a way, it rights our wrong. But we still have Hillary to worry about. Hillary is the kind of daughter who loves her parent just enough to put us in an old folks home so we won’t get lonely in our dying days. But it’s the old folks home right off the highway with the orderlies who sweat in our soup.
This New Job is Making Me so Emo, I Could Cry
In less than one week, I will show up to an office with lots of cubicles and paid time off for its employees, a Human Resources Department and company-wide team building events. This is a full-time gig. It’s a W2 kind of gig. I haven’t had a gig like this in almost seven years. And I’m looking forward to it in the way 16-year-old David looked forward to going on a date with that girl who finally showed some interest in him. And I’m an emotional goddamn wreck over the whole thing.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Road Trip Edition
• The President George Bush Turnpike being a toll road is hilarious irony, and sort of a fuck you to the people of Texas.
The Illinois-Missouri Derby
I could have made the drive inside of two days had I been alone. But I had the wife and the dog, and when you’re driving the 1,164 miles between Chicago and Austin, Texas with souls on board other than your own, it’s best to make pit stops along the way.
Springfield. Kate was unimpressed with Lincoln’s home. “It looks too nice for being that old,” she said.
“You would have been even more unimpressed if they’d just let nature take its course for these past 152 years,” I told her.
Obama Making that Paper the American Way
I don't wish heartbreak on anyone, but I can’t help to laugh at the outrage and sadness that former president Barack Obama is going to collect $400,000 to speak to a Wall Street investment bank. We don’t know what he’s going to do with the money. Build his library? Invest in Chicago Public Schools? Buy Michelle a shitload of sleeveless dresses? Donate it to the Carter Center?
Notes from the Post-It Wall — Week of April 30, 2017
... I picked apart a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup. The chocolate on its own, kinda sucks. The peanut butter on its own kinda sucks. Eating the chocolate and peanut butter separately is like Paul McCartney and John Lennon. They’re completely awful unless they’re together. ...
Notes from the Post-It Wall — Week of April 23, 2017
I screwed up reinstalling a towel rack. My future as a successful family man is not a promising one.
Official Report: Joe Diffie’s John Deere Green is the Greatest Country Song Ever
It is, at the surface and for everything it’s worth, a magnificent and simple American love story for the ages.
Today’s Writer’s Life—Heroin Would be Better
I stared at the computer keyboard for a while. I reviewed some notes. I sharpened a few pencils. I drank half a pot of coffee. I chewed seven pieces of cinnamon Trident gum. I read half a chapter in one of the eight books I’m actively reading. I made some administrative phone calls. I went on a refreshing walk with the dog.
Notes from the Post-It Wall — Week of April 9, 2017
Passover: The 11th Plague
This is an important week for those who celebrate and follow the traditions of the Judeo-Christian Way. This week marks what Christians call Holy Week and what Jews call the week they can’t “enjoy a goddam Jimmy Johns sandwich.”
Suicidal Tendencies and Hägar the Well-Timed Horrible
You can kill your pain and sadness that you had carried with you all those years. But you can’t kill the pain and sadness you’ve now created and left behind.
The Pepsi Challenge: Humanize Kendall Jenner?
The Internet, if we are to treat it as one entity, is a hyper-sensitive teenager that should be paying attention to its studies instead of getting pissed that mom's meatball spaghetti wasn't organically sourced.
A Love Story
Jake and Caroline had been dating two-and-a-half years. They were introduced by Caroline’s best friend, Ronnie, who had met Jake on Tinder. After four weeks of drunken hookups that left her unsatisfied and him horribly embarrassed, Ronnie thought Jake would be perfect for Caroline, who was still recovering from a devastating break up.
Ronnie knew her best friend well and was sure that the thing Caroline needed to get her over the heartbreak hump was a quick roll in the hay with a handsome, mostly charming and funny guy like Jake. She was confident that because he was so bad in the sack, there was no way Caroline would fall for him and wind up in yet another relationship, which was her mo. Ronnie knew that the best thing she could do for her friend was help her break the cycle of disappointment.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Walking Dead and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.
Contenders for the 2020 Presidential Election
In today’s political climate, the line between governance and campaigning is a mythical beast. Like the Loch Ness Monster, Sasquatch or a German’s sense of humor. Thus, there’s no reason to think that we shouldn’t be discussing possible contenders for the 2020 Presidential Election.
The IRS Stole My Wife's Identity
"I’m not even a person. I’m a spouse."
Andy was good at his job. And for a nine-month-old baby, he was really good at it.