Contenders for the 2020 Presidential Election

By David Himmel

In today’s political climate, the line between governance and campaigning is a mythical beast. Like the Loch Ness Monster, Sasquatch or a German’s sense of humor. Thus, there’s no reason to think that we shouldn’t be discussing possible contenders for the 2020 Presidential Election.

I know, I know, we should focus first on the mid-term election but I’m thinking big picture here. And considering the foul shitshow that was the 2016 election, we’d be better off lining up a solid selection of candidates now before we run out of time and panic to fill the slots with the closest disconnected robot or demagogue. Let’s try not to let history repeat itself. That said, with the two choices we had in 2016, we really couldn't do much worse.

Below are my early recommendations for presidential candidates. I have not placed them into any party. Their appearance on this list is based solely on their unique, individual capabilities and what the country needs in a leader.

Broken In Chuck Taylor All-Stars

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A longstanding American classic. This shoe is more symbolic of American values than apple pie, baseball, and the Stars and Stripes combined. These shoes have been worn by Olympic athletes, NBA players, World War II soldiers during training, punks, preppies and babies. It’s a shoe that all Americans can fit into regardless of what color their state is.

Jimmy Carter


He was the right guy for the job back then. But he was too honest with the American People. We need honesty from our president now more than ever. Let’s give Jimmy four more years. Plus, when he was 91 years old, the man overcame liver and brain cancer simultaneously. Talk about American resilience.

Model Glue

America is drastically divided and we seem to be doing little to bring ourselves back together. Model Glue will do just that and hold us together as a single union. And if nothing else, a few deep huffs of its noxious fumes will render us so brain-whacked that any terrible fate won’t matter to us in the slightest. It is just the bonding agent we need right now.

Fruit Stripe Gum

It doesn’t matter what part of the political spectrum you fall on, for a few glorious seconds, Fruit Stripe Gum is the most delicious thing you can ever put in your mouth. President Fruit Stripe Gum will govern in the same way it tastes. We’ll see effective, progressive change everyone loves right from the start. That will be followed by absolutely nothing of any substance for the majority of its time in office. It will have the highest approval ratings of any elected official anywhere for one week before plummeting to the lowest approval ratings for the remaining 207 weeks of its term. But we will want more. That first week will have been so delicious that we’ll probably elect it to a second term just to get another taste of paradise.

The Ghost of James Garfield

He was president for six months. Eleven of them were spent dying of infection from poor medical treatment of a gunshot wound. When people talk about giving a president a chance, this guy still deserves one.

My Dog Edward Lee Davis-Himmel

If John Oliver can sell us on the idea of having a Supreme Court made up of doggies, why not have a canine commander-in-chief? Eddie won’t get entangled in the distracting political sideshows that hinder exceptionalism. He doesn’t give a shit about your guns or if trans kids want to poop in a Target bathroom. He just wants all of us to be a nation that will throw the tennis ball for him. And I can attest that there’s no better therapy or refreshing activity than throwing a tennis ball with President Eddie.

A Bottle of White Out

Because, really, we should probably just start this whole thing over.

Homogenized Money Laundering and the Liberal Institutions

Improvising Around the Flaked Notes