Tapeworms are the only thing holding Mitch McConnell together.

The Patriot Protection Act declares a one-mile radius around the White House to be “lava”.

Hillary Clinton should do what ex-presidents do: sit back, pop some popcorn, and watch the shitshow unfold. My God, the woman has earned that. She should relax, count her millions, enjoy time with her grandchildren. She should write more books. But no more about her successes or her failures or how her failures aren’t her fault. She should write political thrillers. I would love to read a novel ripe with House of Cards-type intrigue, murder, sex, and corruption. Who knows that shit better than our girl HRC? Perhaps only her husband. (And please note, I’m not calling the Clintons corrupt, although, they did have Jeffrey Epstein killed, right? No? Oh, okay.)

I say we call it Thanksgetting.

• Two things I’ll never do:
1. See the Notre Dame Cathedral pre-fire
2. Have sex with a virgin

Let’s be real clear up front: The Patriarchy must burn and die. But if the future is female, then the future needs a Come to Jesus Moment like no other. Even if the Dems pull off a win in 2020, if the Party’s most prominent don’t stop acting without thinking of the consequences, the future may indeed be female, but it will be a future led by women who are just as self-serving and stupid as any man has ever been.

Trump: Remember last week when everyone was freaking out about me saying n*gg*r on a tape somewhere? 

Kelly: Every week makes me nostalgic for the week before.

Never send a woman to do a man’s job unless she is accompanied by a man and he is in charge.

Yet, there’s a part of us that will rejoice in Donnie’s failure. It will cease further damage done to our nation, and in a way, it rights our wrong. But we still have Hillary to worry about. Hillary is the kind of daughter who loves her parent just enough to put us in an old folks home so we won’t get lonely in our dying days. But it’s the old folks home right off the highway with the orderlies who sweat in our soup.