Illiterate Mother
As her heritage suggests, she was a strict mother during my teen years. Like a ninja figuring out a booby trap, I had to figure out how to navigate her stringent parental skills. My abilities peaked when it came to dating.
Noble X — Episode 19: The Guest of Honor
Paul is pissed about the Noble Experiment no longer resembling what his vision had been and his mind is filled with anger. The room quiets as he grapples with what he wants to say.
Yes, Lady From The Federalist, Adults Did Fail the Covington Catholic Boys
Adults have failed these kids by being all too willing to accept that nice white Catholic boys obviously could not have intended to be racist, and therefore were not racist. Adults have failed these kids by raising them inside a comfortable bubble of wealth and whiteness and teaching them they don’t have to bother thinking beyond the walls of that bubble.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 20, 2019
Having privilege is not inherently a bad thing. It does not define who you are. What you do with that privilege does. Do you use it to help people or hurt people? Bobby Kennedy is not Donald Trump and Donald Trump is no Bobby Kennedy. (Baby brother Teddy was no Bobby either when he used his privilege to let a dead girl get waterlogged in his sunken car.)
I am not your mascot; you are not my stereotype
I am not your mascot
not your stereotype
not your souvenir
scapegoat
figurehead
spokesperson
representative
tissue sample
DNA test
identity
other
American Shithole #44 | No Darling for Disinterested Davos
Luckily, American Shithole managed to sneak one of our top investigative reporters into the World Economic Forum — where a surprising number of billionaires felt comfortable expressing their complete lack of empathy on the record. Here are a few choice statements:
Buying Whores for Chuck Berry and a Threat from Jerry Lee Lewis
“You work for the radio station?” he asked again.
“Yes, sir, Mr. Lewis. I’m Dr. Dave Maxwell. What can I help you with?” Little Richard walked past us, and he, too, looked frail and worn down. The Killer glared at him as he passed. The Innovator didn’t seem to notice. Jerry Lee turned his gaze back at me, his eyes smaller now, his face taut with rage.
“Can you do me a favor, boy?”
“Of course.”
“Don’t let that niggah touch my pianah.” He and his two men went on their way.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Covington Catholic High School
Covington Catholic High School’s attempts at Diversity Outreach have been grossly misinterpreted by the media.
The Lack of any Viable Alternatives Makes the Smirking Kid Cement His Ideology
Yeah, I hear you. You were far more evolved when you were sixteen. You were whipsmart and filled with the lazy cynicism and biting wit of every episode of The Gilmore Girls. Instead of reacting with fear or rage or righteous indignation, you’d be the Martin Luther King of teenagers and calmly put the thing to rest.
Anatomy of an Uncomfortable Moment
She said, “Sorry. You just don’t look twenty-seven. You should take that as a compliment.” He didn’t. I feel like he didn’t take it as a compliment because of what was coming next. I say that because we all knew what was coming next.
I Believe… [154 Days Per Bullet]
…that six and three-quarters years is not a sentence for sixteen shots.
A Model United Nations: This Curfew Is Bullshit
It was a glorious day in the nation’s capital. We picked up beverages and laid out on the lawn, toasting the Washington Monument as it glinted in the sunlight. I fleetingly wondered how things were going at the conference; not well to be sure, given that the delegation from the United States was busy drinking malt liquor out of brown bags on Capitol Hill. The entire Model UN was probably falling apart.
Noble X — Episode 18: Opening Ceremonies
“What the fuck is he doing?” Thomas grabs Anthony by the arm. Anthony shrugs and whispers, “It feels like performance art, maybe. Not sure.” Colin overhears and adds leaning in, “Let’s just keep an eye on him.” Surprisingly, nobody leaves. However uncomfortable they’ve been made at the start of this evening, they are all intrigued and intend to see how this plays out.
Did I Say “Hot Room?”
A Parent/Teacher Conference. Mom stands next to Dad, looking slightly annoyed. Dad, on the other hand, looks pissed. And the eighth grade turd who frequently stirs up trouble in class and is thereby the target of some of my more creative punitive measures, is looking so pleased that Mr. Hall is finally going to get it.
Notes from the Post-it Wall | Week of January 13, 2019
Knowledge isn’t power. Knowledge is an opportunity.
American Shithole #43 | GOP Senators are the Embodiment of Cowardice
I hope we get to hold them down and carve a giant “T” into their thick fucking skulls before this is all over — although I imagine history has far worse in store for them. The “T” is for Traitor, of course, although that word will become synonymous with Trump in due time.
Is Marketing the Root of All Evil?
Gillette doesn’t feel like a sales pitch. It feels genuine. It is a marketing success. But also, “Buy our razors because Dollar Shave Club and Harry’s ain’t woke like we are.” There’s just no escaping it, for-profit companies need our money, and they’ll do anything to get it. In this case, Gillette did it right.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Things That Are Trying to Kill Me
Joe’s Penis – We’ve been friends ever since you spilled some shampoo on your junk when you were fourteen.
The American Mystery | Part Two
Thus, we conclude the American mystery of such woe I cannot unburden my heart with just the simple typing of keys.
Do You Weigh as Much as a Duck?
The concept that if I say my pain is real, it must be real, and if you don't suffer from my pain, my pain is in some part your fault so just listen to me as I yell in your face about your need for shame and contrition.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.