A Urinal Cake Was The Only Souvenir I Could Afford
Did it matter that toilet water is exactly the same water that we get from the tap and drink and that urine has no germs and that the urinal cake definitely had destroyed any nastiness pee'd on it due to the extreme nature of a cake of ammonia in water? Not even a little. I had stolen a urinal cake from a theme park in Missouri and stuffed it in my pocket.
Insert your own metaphor HERE.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Do, please insert your own metaphor in the comments section of this piece. —DH)
Keeping My Bed Sheets Clean
I’m an evangelical of crisp, clean, smooth bed sheets. Trust me when I tell you that getting into freshly washed and pressed sheets is the second greatest feeling you can feel in your bed. And sometimes, it’s a very close second, depending on the company you’re keeping.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting — Witch Hunt!
Trump: Remember last week when everyone was freaking out about me saying n*gg*r on a tape somewhere?
Kelly: Every week makes me nostalgic for the week before.
Noble X - Episode 9: Mind Games
He wants to help them thrive. He thinks of their eyes filled with fear as anxiety takes hold of them. His head swirls with helplessness and guilt.
Who Benefits From Fear?
I grew up being told that the Soviet Union was something to fear.
I Believe… [I Would've Taped Those Meetings, Too]
…that, while I’m no fan of Omarosa, it is fun watching her troll Trump in ways that make the Oval Office seem even more like a telenova.
I Want Someone to See What is Good in Me
Some say we are all sinners
I don’t believe in sin
Don’t believe in God either
But Laawwdd I know I’m not perfect
though I try to be
every day as I struggle to get out of bed
make my way
get through the day
Being the crappy person in the relationship
Dating the wrong person can bring out the worst in anyone. For me, this person's name was Jerry. And my crappy behavior is 100 percent my fault. He was nothing short of a gentleman. Which is probably why I had such a distaste for him.
Emotional Turbulence: My First Writers Conference
For weeks I had been riding a lifeboat in a raging sea of panic, joy, anticipation, and self-doubt as I prepared to attend a writers conference. To non-writers that may seem kind of weak. But the first conference is like stepping onto a stage for the very first time only instead of your looks and performance being judged, it’s your mind.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of August 12, 2018
Most of my college friends have kids starting school this week. First graders, fifth graders, kindergartners… Seeing their First Day of School photos is just a reminder that most of my college friends were having sex way before I was.
All the World’s a Stage and Identity is Just Another Costume
The intersection of every type of human in the park is incredible. Name an identity — from the most common to the smallest segment of current society, white cisgender heterosexual male to transgender bisexual black woman — and they will be somewhere in this giant wok on the east side of Chicago on any given night.
On Aggressive Countering: NPR, Kessler, and Challenging the Garbage
Often I’m reminded of this quote from Yeats’ “The Second Coming”: “The best lack all conviction, while the worst/ Are full of passionate intensity.”
The smart people will ponder and contemplate and collect information and second guess themselves and hold their tongues while the stupid people dominate the public conversation.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The “N” Word
Trump: I just want to go on record and say that I have never said the word n#gg#r.
Signs That You Are a Member of the Extreme Left or the Alt-Right
Does the shoe fit?
Noble X — Episode 8: More Trials
Conflicted, she shows a brief flash of guilt, then hardens again as she turns to leave. John pauses, stunned, just long enough to apologize to the classroom door clicking shut.
I Believe... [And The Statuette Goes To Justin Bieber]
...that it was just a matter of time before the Academy Awards morphed into the MTV Movie Awards. “And the Oscar for Best Onscreen Kiss goes to...”
On Wanting More
Call me greedy. Call me a hedonist. You’re not wrong. I am who I am, and I’m not ashamed of it. I’ll never be an ascetic. I’m hella attached to worldly pleasures, and to the world. I suppose I’m probably lucky that I’m not inclined to addiction — but there are too many things I want more of to focus all of my energies on just one substance or one sensation.
The Life of a Bird on the Sidewalk
Others came out and determined that it was breathing but was obviously in its death moment. I stepped closer to see if it would move and it hopped, slightly, to the side causing everyone to spasm.
Take Your Shit Seriously, Not Yourself
Show me a storyteller who only strives to teach the audience a lesson, to show the audience her pain and victim status, who takes his shit so seriously that every story told has a moral or a sense of condescension, and you have a Shaman. Show me a storyteller who only wants the attention for the laugh, who only tells stories of her "most embarrassing moments" with the sole purpose of being liked, and you have a Village Idiot.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of August 5, 2018
I bet the best part of a customer service representative’s job is picking their American name. “Hey, Aarushi, who you going to be today?”
“Today, I’m Stephanie. Tomorrow… I’m thinking I’ll be a Jill! No, Jillian! Definitely Jillian.”
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.