My Unborn Child is an Inconsiderate Little Jerk and I Can’t Wait to Get My Hands On Him
So, here we are. Waiting. Unsure of what to do. We keep doing all the things that can start and speed up labor like walking and massaging and having sex with spicy food. At this point, our lives are completely out of our hands and at the whims of the ungrateful terrorist holding my wife’s body and my need for a second scotch hostage.
American Shithole #8 — Betsy DeVos: Just Like Mom
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from DeVos — American education’s evangelical Betsy Ross — sewing her particular brand of plutocratic dominion posing as conservative Christian education reform, into the national fabric of the public school system. I imagine her gently rocking in her chair up in Michigan (where she destroyed the public school system on a state level), just a harmless old grandma, doing the lord’s work from her front porch.
It Must Be Dorito’s Fault I’m a Bag of Suet in a Pair of Overstuffed Skinny Jeans
So, in the debate over whether we are addicted to our smartphones or social media, it makes no difference if we are addicted, manipulated, or just weak-willed, the results are still exactly the same: a compromised democracy, the highest teen suicide rate in recorded history, a dwindling attention span and a slow disconnect from humanity in favor of the humanity as represented on a glass screen.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The GOP Task Force to Make Schools Safer
Trump: Kids in wheelchairs are the first to be shot, anyway. The slowest. Easy targets. Not able to hide. I’d shoot them first, if I were a shooter. Even if I didn’t have a gun. We also all agree that all qualified school personal — teachers, janitors, cabana boys — all get a gun.
It's Cool to Walk Out of School
Today's ENOUGH National School Walkout is set to be one our country's most historical, nuanced and, hopefully, most effective protests. It's always been the youth who are first to take to the streets but they've never been this young before.
The White Kids Are Lionized; The Black Kids Are Demonized
It probably isn't any big surprise that, despite his strident hatred of Islam, I remain an enthusiastic fan of Bill Maher.
So, when I sat down at my iMac and watched his interview of two of the rich, white kids at the forefront of the #NeverAgain movement, I had to go back and look through his archive to see if he had any of the poor, black kids behind the #BlackLivesMatter movement.
He didn't.
Millennials Will Save Us All
American history repeats itself and repeats and repeats itself with only slight differences between the generations. The time in which Millennials live in and are defining, is unlike the others. With the architects of modern America — the Greatest Generation — fading away, and the destructors of the empire — the Baby Boomers — not far behind, now is the time for action and a great shift. It’ll be an ontological shift that we won’t notice until it has already occurred, and it will be the Millennials who will get us there.
Violent Video Games Might Have Saved My Town
To be clear, I never once —ever — considered hurting a real person or thing. What I wanted was a world where I was untouchable, where I could find solace in my own kind of Fortress of Solitude. In real life, we can’t ever really escape away from everything whenever we want, or even need. Grand Theft Auto III gave that to me. It let me play God. That violent video game provided me with the one thing I could never have otherwise — total control.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of March 4, 2018
• I like bookstores. I like local bookstores. I like Volumes Bookcafe in Wicker Park. But Volumes is the kind of bookstore Emily Giffen would write if she was describing a trendy, punk bookstore in the hipster part of town in one of her romantic chick lit novels. “There’s a coffee bar in the bookstore and the baristas have tattoos. Claire wondered how many of those tattoos were inspired by heartbreak. ‘Maybe,’ Claire thought, ‘I should get a tattoo.’”
A Conversation About Guns In Schools
I meet lots of interesting people. We all do. Even introverts have occasional conversations. The other day I met an older man, grandfatherly, who was and always had been a people-person. He chose to talk with me and I’m glad he did.
American Shithole #7 — Besties
Today however, I feel compelled to shut the front door on all the chaos of our political hell-scape, and instead write a short article about friends. Best friends, really. Not the particulars about my best friend — we shall call him, Peter — but the bonus points in life you generally receive if you’ve been lucky enough to have developed a close friendship along your way.
Black Panther’s Missed Opportunities
Despite the incredible cinematography and thrilling action scenes and beautiful costume design and magnificent acting, I was disappointed that the film missed some storytelling opportunities. They seemed obvious to me, so I was surprised director Ryan Coogler, writers Coogler and Joe Robert Cole, and producer Kevin Feige didn’t seize them.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Animal Coalition at Cubby Wadsworth’s Drive-Thru Zoo
If we get separated, we are to drive to Africa and meet there.
Meghan Trainor is this Generation’s Andy Kaufman
During my afternoon bathroom break with my iPad on my lap, I dove into a Meghan Trainor wormhole to sort out exactly what was so terrible about her music. I considered the shallow, braggadocios lyrics, the over produced production, that white collar, suburban virgin girl imitating a black street thug accent she sings with, the regurgitated and repurposed musical stylings and cues she uses in each song when it dawned on me. Meghan Trainor is not an annoying musician or a pop sensation; Meghan Trainor is this generation’s Andy Kaufman, and she’s fucking with us.
On Book Covers and Online Summaries: The Bumper Stickers That Define Us
The next time I'm in traffic, I start to notice my micro-complaining at various bad drivers and notice a trend. No labels, no specifics in the pejorative. In plain, if a Prius cuts me off, my mind says "Fucking NPR." Which is only ironic in that I drive a Prius and used to work for... If a car that takes too long to turn left in front of me has a BlackHawks sticker, it's "Goddamn Blackhawk fuckwad!" No label or obvious marker? It's just "Fucking asshole!" and we move on.
I'm pretty sure this isn't a specific phenomenon esoteric to me.
I Believe… [Just Tack an "Ism" On It and You're Ready to Go!]
…that, while the election of 2016 (and likely 2020) signaled some dark times for the country, this is nothing more than White Male Supremacy's Last Stand. It's angry, desperate, and wholly unpopular. Those of us who rail against it should simply stay the course and avoid sabotaging ourselves with infighting.
The Pursuit of Happiness in a FunEmployment World
The pursuit of happiness is inextricably wrapped up in the inevitable that sometimes you will fail in your pursuit. The pursuit of happiness often comes with great sadness and obstacles you encounter trying to attain your dream. But as Americans, we are at least given the hope that we can pursue something resembling happiness. It is so engrained in the fabric of our country that we mostly take for granted our freedom to make these choices.
New Political Mascots That Fit the Current Parties
What the hell does an elephant or a mule have to do with either of these parties today? Are elephants dogmatic, rich and selfish? Are mules empathic, secular and over-educated? Not that I know of. Where’s Sir David Attenborough when you need him?
And of course, the above attributes aren’t all that make up the two parties. I suggest, based on a series of less tangible traits, that we find new mascots. I hereby nominate, to represent the Republicans, the bonobo. And to represent the Democrats, the chihuahua.
"We" Will Not Overcome but "You" Might Have a Chance
The problem with "we" in this current political climate is that to have a "we" you gotta have a "them" and there are so many fucking "thems" that the unified enemy concept is completely lost.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of February 25, 2018
• My pregnant wife could pop that kid out at any given moment. People keep asking me if I’m scared or freaking out or panicking. No. None of those things. I’m ready to get on with it. I have been for months. Let’s get this little turd out and get on with the New World Order. The sooner he’s here, the sooner he’ll be old enough to come sailing with his old man and have a conversation without shitting himself. That’s what I’m looking forward to.
“Journey will survive the apocalypse. Cockroaches, radiation, and some asshole singing “Don't Stop Believin'” over the ruins of Cincinnati.”
“Why Cincinnati?”
“Seems like the kind of place where the apocalypse would start.”