On Book Covers and Online Summaries: The Bumper Stickers That Define Us
The next time I'm in traffic, I start to notice my micro-complaining at various bad drivers and notice a trend. No labels, no specifics in the pejorative. In plain, if a Prius cuts me off, my mind says "Fucking NPR." Which is only ironic in that I drive a Prius and used to work for... If a car that takes too long to turn left in front of me has a BlackHawks sticker, it's "Goddamn Blackhawk fuckwad!" No label or obvious marker? It's just "Fucking asshole!" and we move on.
I'm pretty sure this isn't a specific phenomenon esoteric to me.
I Believe… [Just Tack an "Ism" On It and You're Ready to Go!]
…that, while the election of 2016 (and likely 2020) signaled some dark times for the country, this is nothing more than White Male Supremacy's Last Stand. It's angry, desperate, and wholly unpopular. Those of us who rail against it should simply stay the course and avoid sabotaging ourselves with infighting.
The Pursuit of Happiness in a FunEmployment World
The pursuit of happiness is inextricably wrapped up in the inevitable that sometimes you will fail in your pursuit. The pursuit of happiness often comes with great sadness and obstacles you encounter trying to attain your dream. But as Americans, we are at least given the hope that we can pursue something resembling happiness. It is so engrained in the fabric of our country that we mostly take for granted our freedom to make these choices.
New Political Mascots That Fit the Current Parties
What the hell does an elephant or a mule have to do with either of these parties today? Are elephants dogmatic, rich and selfish? Are mules empathic, secular and over-educated? Not that I know of. Where’s Sir David Attenborough when you need him?
And of course, the above attributes aren’t all that make up the two parties. I suggest, based on a series of less tangible traits, that we find new mascots. I hereby nominate, to represent the Republicans, the bonobo. And to represent the Democrats, the chihuahua.
"We" Will Not Overcome but "You" Might Have a Chance
The problem with "we" in this current political climate is that to have a "we" you gotta have a "them" and there are so many fucking "thems" that the unified enemy concept is completely lost.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of February 25, 2018
• My pregnant wife could pop that kid out at any given moment. People keep asking me if I’m scared or freaking out or panicking. No. None of those things. I’m ready to get on with it. I have been for months. Let’s get this little turd out and get on with the New World Order. The sooner he’s here, the sooner he’ll be old enough to come sailing with his old man and have a conversation without shitting himself. That’s what I’m looking forward to.
American Shithole #6 — Gifts
This last week has been an emotional one for me. It’s been very emotional I imagine, for most of us. I struggle now to express this deepest sense of gratitude that I feel toward these brave students. Their courage in the face of terrible adversity and horrifying opposition has provided an influx of faith in humanity, and a renewed interest in impaling baddies.
Dog Shit and how Disgust Makes the World Go 'Round
I suspect many people have a visceral reaction to dog shit, baby shit, and any kind of shit. And pee. That milk carton in the refrigerator. A backed-up toilet, dishwasher or garbage disposal. A restaurant grease trap. Woof, that smell. That is disgust. The revulsion. This was a useful, evolutionary survival mechanism to make sure the cave dweller didn't eat something that will kill the tribe. Don't eat it, don't smell it, don't even look at it. This isn't fear, anger or sadness, it's disgust.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The CDC Issues Warnings About Bullet Season
"Tens of thousands of people die each year from bullet wounds. Bullet wounds are caused by bullets more than likely discharged from a gun. The only way to catch one of these bullets is if they are airborne, in which case they can enter through the nose, the throat, the eyes, any part of the body, really."
Another School Shooting Homicide/Suicide
Such sadness.
Such outrage.
People pray.
(Don't you know
there is no god
and even if there was
he wouldn't save you?)
Take Away Their Money but Change the Narrative, Too
Reality is that, while our access to information and our ability to communicate resistance is faster than ever in history, change is still and always will be a slow grind. Change takes patience and persistence. Change takes generations rather than spokespeople. Change is not limited to advancing legislation and requires a shift in the mythology we hold dear.
I Believe… [WOLVERINES!]
...that, if you think high school kids can’t be heroes, you never saw Red Dawn. WOLVERINES!
Armed Educators: What Your Kids' Teachers Say
I could list 50 things that could go wrong [with arming teachers] before I could list one thing that could go right. They’re going to know immediately what teachers have the guns. What if they jump you? An eighth grader could easily jump a smaller teacher. Or think about the parents. I don’t want to have a meeting with a parent and they know that I might be armed. You lose a measure of mutual respect when there’s implied violence. It develops a culture of fear and that’s not what we’re teaching. We’re teaching a culture of respect.
Your Life is a Work-in-Progress
From the moment we are conceived and a heartbeat begins pumping and a series of brainwaves commence, we have begun our death sentence. And life is the process of surviving the plethora of obstacles and events that strive to make the sentence shorter rather than "long-lived."
Our Heroes are Socialists
“In this nation, athletes are heroes. In bedrooms all across America, boys and girls have posters on their walls of Tom Brady, Lebron James and Tina Charles. All of them card-carrying socialist union members. Imagine that, Americans of every stripe cheering on socialists in bars across the country. If they only knew...
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of February 18, 2017
• There’s a special sense of accomplishment, renewal and thrill of driving your brand new car off the lot for the first time. I’m glad my wife was finally able to experience that this week.
Dickheads with Engines
Every car owner's nightmare: Your car is dead. You relied on some professionals to fix it, but it turns out they ain't so professional and you're fucked to the tune of a few grand. That shit sucks, but it's pretty run-of-the-mill sucky shit.
American Shithole #5 — Fuck You, NRA
So we will cheer as these brave children that have survived another horrific American school shooting, share impassioned pleas for sanity and meaningful action — even though we all fear their voices will fall on deaf republican ears. That nothing again will be done. Nothing that will have any effect, anyway. Certainly not with Trump in office. I am writing this as of Tuesday, a few days will pass before this posts, and their young, beautiful, powerful voices will fade into the background static as the news outlets are forced to focus on whatever new insanity emerges.
I would really, really, like to be wrong.
Like Paint Thinner on Canvas: Painting the Fear Away
I share a collective sense of powerlessness with the general population when it comes to changing the world. Of course, I’m no genius and have no real answers for what ails our lives, but when true pioneers come along humanity has a long history of destroying their progress. These pioneers are artists that were trying to paint better futures for us.
The Minutes of our Last Meeting – GOP Emergency Meeting for an Action Plan to End Gun Violence
"Seriously, abortion is just the worst, unless it’s a pregnant mistress."
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.