I Believe… [Christmas Day 2017]
…that Christmas makes me realize how fragile we all are and how brilliantly heroic it is to simply survive on a ball of rock hurtling through space. We thrive in spite of our natures and the yin-yang of the best and worst parts of us is what makes humanity remarkable.
Unforging Marley's Chain: Redemption is Possible
For me, it's those fucking chains of Marley that give me pause. Link by link, and yard by yard. The chain we forge in life.
He Was Born Of A Non-Virgin Non-Mary
He was born of a non-virgin non-Mary.
He was born a month prematurely, disrupting his mother’s plans for a large feast of Italian beef sandwiches, dipped, with all the fixings.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Christmas Edition
• Israel thought it was getting Jerusalem as a capital city for Christmas this year. I guess it'll have to settle for that gift card to Ross Dress for Less.
Holiday Shopping Guide from a Drunk Copywriter
It's the holidays! You forgot to get your boss or lover or postal worker a gift and we all know that your social faux pas will be trumpeted across the vast wastelands of social media. Crack open that plastic and get to work, slacker!
Here are a few last minute gift ideas:
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year for Netflix
As we roll into the Christmas Season, we are confronted with the dichotomy of being the fat, lazy, imperialist nation of consuming hordes that we are with the presence of unprecedented generosity of spirit that the holiday tends to bring out in the best of us. We are slapped in the jaw with the fact that we love our families even if we ignore them for most of the year. We look around and figure out ways to show appreciation to those we love and mercy for those we don't.
And we watch movies about how other people deal with this state.
I love Christmas and I love movies about Christmas. Here's my list of the movies about this time of year that I truly love.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Inn Keeper v The Christ Family
"They ate my wife’s everything bagels. I think I am being very reasonable."
One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Treasure
Do you know the history of the White Elephant?
Oh, the storied tales of White Elephant Christmases gone by! The triumph and defeat! The never-ending variations on the tradition from family to family, office to office! I am giddy just thinking about it. But first, let me back up for those who know not of the White Elephant.
Star Wars: The Last Jedi — Ripped From the Gen X Nostalgia Train
This is a Star Wars rooted in the idea that we of Gen X failed to beat the Empire. That our delusion of ourselves is not reflected in our feelings of exceptionalism. Rey and Kylo Rea and Poe and Finn are the Millennials we failed and it is now their story, their fight, their destiny.
I Believe… [Y2K Redux]
…that the hysteria surrounding Y2K was worldwide, caused a low-grade mass anxiety, and ultimately makes us all (those around for it) look a bit silly in hindsight. When confronting all of the hysteria, low-grade anxiety of today, I'd suggest we remember Y2K.
My Friend the Dental Hygienist
Michele and I talk about everything. Family, work, drinking, commuting, wedding planning, our friends, our frustrations, pregnancy and pending parenthood… We’re about the same age and have seen each other out of our 20s and into our 30s. We’re of similar temperament so every six months, we share similar grievances that come with life’s transitions. We both got married around the same time. And now, she’s pregnant as is my wife. So the other day, while in the chair, we talked about our shared disdain for the uncertainty and discomfort parenthood will bring us. Yeah, we might have talked about some of the positive things that parenthood will bring us but that’s not what held our attention.
What Price For A Cultural Paradigm Shift?
If the Future is Female, I hope it isn’t Margaret Thatcher, the women behind the Tokyo Rose broadcasts, or Susan Smith (who drowned her children and claimed it was done by an anonymous black man.) I hope the Female Future isn’t Aileen Wuornos, Imelda Marcos, or Eva Braun.
Trump’s Wife Packing Luggage
I dreamt I was Donald Trump’s wife. We were traveling.
He basically kept me in the dark about our itinerary.
I didn’t know where we were going or when we were going.
I had an enormous amount of luggage.
Many little pieces that needed to be fitted into larger pieces.
And of course every place we went, I had to unpack the little pieces,
lots of jewelry and cosmetics, little jars and bottles and boxes.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of December 10, 2017
• Eating Panda Express is a lot like suicide: It seems like the right thing to do in the moment but the results are always devastating.
Elf in the Crossfire: Santa Ain't a Paramedic
As I'm parked, people are slowing for the light and staring me down in the outfit, which is essentially a bright red slutty elf costume. For tis' the season for idiots to spend money on a fancy bike cab ride since sleighs are pretty hard to come by around here.
Up for the Count: Indie Wrestlers Are the REAL Deal
Ever since the days of Gorgeous George and The Fabulous Moolah, professional wrestling’s popularity has ebbed and flowed. From the Capitol era of the early 1960s to the wildly popular Attitude era of the late '90s there have been high-flying highs and pin fall lows.
There has never been a better time for independent wrestling promotions. These are the rough and tumble little bullies who perform at park districts and banquet halls and upstairs above bars on the west side of the city.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - GOP Reputation Repair Emergency Meeting
We acknowledge the problem and embrace it. Promise to do better. Plus side, easier to gather voter signatures as we go door-to-door to let people know we are registered sex offenders.
The Metric of Judging an Apology
My grandfather once told me that anyone who demands an apology will never accept one. He added that those who deserve and are open to an apology rarely ask for one.
Gym Class is Water Boarding for Nerds
I would wake up in sweats but that's only if I actually fell asleep. My stomach would be in knots. I couldn't concentrate. I dreaded everything. The moment we had to get in line. The moment the teacher would lead us down the hall. The moment we walked through the door and into... The Gymnasium.
I Believe... [I've Pretty Much Had It With Social Media]
...that the unfortunate consequence of social media is that it has made me dislike human beings so much. I'm realizing how toxic it is to know how everyone feels about everything and I'm thinking my wife has it right by not engaging almost at all with these platforms.
“Journey will survive the apocalypse. Cockroaches, radiation, and some asshole singing “Don't Stop Believin'” over the ruins of Cincinnati.”
“Why Cincinnati?”
“Seems like the kind of place where the apocalypse would start.”