Sex, Lies & Improvisers
We were in a full blown relationship for almost a year. After his basic training his personality shifted and he started showing his true colors: a narcissistic, insecure, chauvinist. I ignored it. I held on to the beginning of our relationship, when we were obsessed with each other, having sex non stop, taking exotic vacations, talking about marriage.
Beware of the Bait & Switch in the Gig Economy
With the full knowledge that freelance work is feast or famine, dealing with the famine times is key. That means random gigs that pay but don't take up a lot of bandwidth. Substitute teaching, extra work on local television shows, dog walking, etc. are all simple ways to make a few bucks to sustain life on Earth financially.
There are, however, small-time versions of the scam - the seemingly easy gig, low-paying but with a twist. In these scenarios you are no more a human being than you were in the corporate machine and thus need to be wary.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Project Veritas
Never send a woman to do a man’s job unless she is accompanied by a man and he is in charge.
The Candy Crush Victim's Weak Cries For Help
I’ve noticed something. And I’m not advocating here, but I’ve got this game and I play it. A lot.
It demands nearly nothing at all. It kills time.
One night out of boredom I downloaded it onto my phone and it got its hooks into me right away. That ever happen to you?
A Death in the Dining Room
A man wearing a Santa Claus suit lay in the road. His body was mangled. The blood pool was still growing under and around him. His arm was tucked underneath his back and his face looked like it had been smashed in with a waffle iron. Or a Toyota Corolla.
I Believe... [Will SOME Mega-Corporations PLEASE Regulate the Internet?]
...that there is a paradox afoot when we are trying hard to get a few mega-corporations to regulate content on the internet (Faceborg, Google) and trying hard to prevent other mega-corporations from regulating content on the internet (Comcast, ATT&T) at the same time.
Let's Talk About Teacher Burnout: It's Not the Kids
For the entire time I was a teacher in CPS I would ask why. I'd watch wonderful, inspiring people get beaten down by these frustrating hows and whys and the answers that eluded us. How can we prevent public education in Chicago from degrading any further? Why can we spend money on a new ferris wheel while school budgets get slashed?
Detente is a Stupid Concept Created by The Mind of a Slow Child
"Fight fire with fire" is perhaps the most asinine thing ever said.
The literal perspective is ridiculous. You fight fire with water and by eliminating the oxygen (which is, in the firefighter's parlance "letting fire eat itself"). Imagine trying to put out a fire with a flamethrower and some gasoline and you see how dipshit the idea is.
Facebook is Making Me Depressed
Facebook is making me so depressed
I don't know if I can write this poem.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — An Uncle's Thanksgiving Edition
• With a holiday where near everyone is so obsessed with overeating for completely irrational reasons, it's refreshing to sit next to my nephew as he tries to weasel out of eating five more Skittles-size bites of turkey. I'm with you, kid. Enough is enough. Put the fork down, Fat America.
Small World
The sand almost burned the spaces in between my toes, but felt delicious. Little stubs of thick and thin palm shoots would poke up into your feet if you didn't walk carefully.
When the plateau melted the blue water came into view. Sure enough there it was- three figures on a mid-sized daysailer. No chop, but close, and the broadsheet was full. Two orange stripes and the number D-850 standing out near its apex.
Unpacking Branson: A Thanksgiving Improbability
For Thanksgiving in 2012, I was single and Mom decided that I should come out to my step-sister's place in Branson, Missouri for a good old-fashioned country Thanksgiving. The carrot was family. The stick was Missouri.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Mrs. Reardon Meets with the Help about Thanksgiving
Thanks. Giving. Thanks - We are thankful for the opportunity to be together and eat food. Giving - I am giving up my free time to do so.
The Principle of The Thing Paints Us All in a Corner
If you ever watched The People's Court, you were assailed with court cases that often were as petty as they come. Neighbors suing neighbors for cutting down trees, going to court against family for a George Foreman grill that was left and won't be returned, rage-filled people suing each other over slights and financial hardships that amounted to children spatting with each other over stolen marbles.
It was always more about the Principle of The Thing than The Thing.
Good To The Last Drop
There aren't ANY white people. Science and your own weird rules just killed them all!
I Believe... [We Are Poised to Lose 2020]
...that the Progressive slogan for Election 2020 is now officially "Cutting Off Our Noses to Spite Our Faces."
Black Friday is Way Scarier Than Halloween
When asked about the upcoming holiday, I get all tingly thinking about the roasted turkey, the creamy mashed potatoes, the gravy, the yams! But that’s not what others think about, anymore. They stuff themselves at noon and put their boots on and are waiting in stores for the Black Friday sales before their turkey has even reached their small intestine. Oh, but what about family time? Well, hell, bring the kids, send them out on their own little mission to find that marked-down item in the catalog! Don’t forget to put them in helmets and full body armor, the crowds get pretty rough.
Turning Into Margaret Dumont
We were the Grouchos! We’re not the Margaret Dumonts — and we’re turning into the Margaret Dumonts on a lot of levels. That lets the misogynists and homophobes and racists seem like the rebels: “Well, we’re saying what people can’t say anymore.” We should be having way more fun with language and jokes and going too far. If our side starts doing that, then I think we’re fucked in terms of moving forward as a society. -- Patton Oswalt
When Crowdfunding Resembles Opportunism or The Greed in Your Ask is Getting Obvious
I most recently joined the World of Crowdfunding with my new Patreon Campaign. I’m torn as, in general, I’ve seen far too many of these efforts resemble either a corrupt civil servant trying to raise money for bail or legal fees, someone desperately using it as a replacement for medical insurance, or Ian Belknap using GoFundMe to help pay for an office space so he doesn’t have to deal with his kids at home while churning out pedantic screeds on Faceborg.
Go ahead and Google “crowdfunding abuse” and the list is long and ugly.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of November 12, 2017
• Few things bring me greater relief than deleting The Walking Dead from my DVR.
• Update resume.
• Do the best you can not to panic and shit the bed any more than you already have this month. You’re beginning to stink and are flinging your own shit everywhere.
Jake and Caroline’s first date was at The Whistler. They talked about Ronnie, how much they loved The Diplomat, and debated the better ride-share service, Uber or Lyft. She was Uber, he was Lyft. They got wasted on Sazeracs and had sex at her apartment. It was incredible for both of them. Caroline stopped taking sex advice from Ronnie.