The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Historic Greatest Really Huge Better Than Obama Deal Of The Century Everyone Says So Where’s My Nobel Peace Prize You’re Welcome Trump/Jong-un Summit
Phil the Translator: Anything for you, President Trump. Our glorious dictator appreciates you treating him like an equal. You know he has killed people, right? A general who fell asleep during a meeting. Even members of his own family who didn’t agree with him.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Masterpiece Cakeshop Employee Meeting
Jack: I don’t hate gay people. I just, as per my religion, don’t think they should marry. I have no problem with gay people being gay and doing lots of things that normal people do. It’s like when a monkey wears a hat and pretends to be talking and acting like a human. I think it’s cute. But I also don’t think monkeys should marry.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Emergency Meeting of the Ambien Marketing Department
Our hashtag #Ambien is trending. That hasn’t happened in forever. Even when the whole department did the ALS challenge while on Ambien.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - EPA Water Contaminants Closed Meeting
Pruitt: Tell my security team we’re going to Chi-town. This is very important. People are going to say I’m wasting tax payer money, this is just not true. Get me a penthouse suite at Four Seasons. We will use the hot tub to test the water quality. I’m willing to soak my dainty ass in tainted water for my country. Also, get me box seats for a Cubs game. We should test the beer. Get me reservations at Girl and the Goat. We should test both girls and goats for lead. Woo-hoo, we’re going to Chicago!
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Funny Comic About to Make Unfunny Movie Meeting with Studio Executives
FRANK: Script schmipt! We could turn the cameras on you and just have you be funny for 88 minutes.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - PCHS American Heroes Club
In 1942, John Wayne parachuted out of a B-52 Bomber over enemy territory while atop his horse. He landed on Normandy beach and killed 33 Nazis, 28 Japs, 14 Injuns, and 8 smelly Frenchmen. He mowed them all down armed with nothing but his bared teeth swinging a steel nut sack.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – EPA Emergency Meeting
"Dear Lord, thank you for bestowing upon us the responsibility of being stewards of this blessed planet. We take your many gifts, like coal and oil and natural gas and money, seriously. It would be downright rude to you, Lord, to not cultivate these gifts. We believe you have a plan and trust in you, Lord, to guide us. One nation UNDER GOD! America first! Amen"
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting — The Crisis Actors Union of America
I even updated my Special Skills section. I added “weep openly on cue, spontaneous melancholy moments of reflection, can take a bullet, good at social media, improv and juggling”.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Buy War Bonds!
Grab ‘em by the stars and stripes. Support our troops! Let’s all fight! For freedom’s sake!
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Witch Hunters Union of the New America
Rev. Parris – The most devious sign to look for in a witch is their insistence that they are not guilty and that this is some kind of witch hunt.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Roseanne Season 2 Writer’s Room
Rosanne - With Jackie mortally wounded, I can be at her deathbed and her last words to me are, “You were right.” And I say, “I was alt-right.”
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Batman Gets Kicked Out of The Justice League
Batman – Sorry I didn’t come from another planet like you, or that I’m not some meta-human freak, or a woman. I have money and I have bullets. And a cool car.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Poor People Meet to Get Out the Vote
COMMUNITY ORGANIZER - Look, there are way more poor people than rich people in this country. The rich people are controlling our government. We can vote for people who genuinely care about us. People who don’t own more than one house. People who remember what it is like to be poor and want to help.
HECKLER #1 - Help others? Sounds like commie talk.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The GOP Task Force to Make Schools Safer
Trump: Kids in wheelchairs are the first to be shot, anyway. The slowest. Easy targets. Not able to hide. I’d shoot them first, if I were a shooter. Even if I didn’t have a gun. We also all agree that all qualified school personal — teachers, janitors, cabana boys — all get a gun.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Animal Coalition at Cubby Wadsworth’s Drive-Thru Zoo
If we get separated, we are to drive to Africa and meet there.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The CDC Issues Warnings About Bullet Season
"Tens of thousands of people die each year from bullet wounds. Bullet wounds are caused by bullets more than likely discharged from a gun. The only way to catch one of these bullets is if they are airborne, in which case they can enter through the nose, the throat, the eyes, any part of the body, really."
The Minutes of our Last Meeting – GOP Emergency Meeting for an Action Plan to End Gun Violence
"Seriously, abortion is just the worst, unless it’s a pregnant mistress."
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - White House Valentine's Day Emergency Meeting
"I’ve been so busy lately. I got up to page five on that memo from the democrats. I vetoed it because it was so boring. Someone needs to tell the democrats to use more graphs. I like wheels."
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - The PepsiCo Lady-Friendly Foods Initiative
Burritos can be very messy. No lady wants to get refried beans on her delicate blouse. We are pitching to Taco Bell...The Femito. It’s a burrito with a straw.
The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Beautiful Clean Coal!
Trump Coal-Powered Rocket Ships – We’ll put Elon Musk out of business!
People stop believing in permanence because permanence stopped believing in them.