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The Adventures of Aborted Andy | Episode I: Meeting Your Maker

July 30, 2026

David Himmel

The Adventures of Aborted Andy | Episode I: Meeting Your Maker

July 30, 2026

David Himmel

Andy disassembled his weapon with lighting speed. He packed it away in the black backpack made specifically for a weapon of this sort. He bolted to the roof access door as fast as his little, chubby legs would carry him. He made his way through the condo/office building stairwell without being noticed just as he had done on his way up. Andy was good at his job. And for a nine-month-old baby, he was really good at it.

July 30, 2026

David Himmel

ARCHIVE OF ARTICLES

Don Hall 10/19/20 Don Hall 10/19/20

I Believe… [Skipping Halloween?]

I believe… that maybe we can skip Halloween this year given that the entire year has already been a bath of horror?

Don Hall 10/12/20 Don Hall 10/12/20

I Believe… [Yelp Gets Woke…Finally]

I believe… that, in light of Yelp’s new racist business category, I guess now was a bad time for me to open my new “Racism Bistro & Culturally Appropriated Taco Stand.” At least, Brian Sweeney will be a regular. In other news, the state of Alabama bans Yelp.

Don Hall 10/5/20 Don Hall 10/5/20

I Believe… [That I Don’t Believe Him]

I believe… that Trump’s modus operandi is distraction and his COVID diagnosis is a distraction from the fallout from his abysmal debate performance, his dwindling campaign cash, and his refusal to condemn white supremacist groups. I haven’t believed anything he’s said in four years, why start now?

Don Hall 9/28/20 Don Hall 9/28/20

I Believe… [Lazy Gangsters]

I believe… that people pining on for the Old Vegas can’t be too horrified at random gun violence. Today’s gangsters are just too lazy to dig that hole in the desert.

Don Hall 9/21/20 Don Hall 9/21/20

I Believe… [Gambling Away Your Unemployment Check]

I believe… that if you use your unemployment money for entertainment instead of paying your bills, you’re a human shit nugget.

Don Hall 9/14/20 Don Hall 9/14/20

I Believe… [Using Privilege While Fighting Privilege]

I believe… that White looters and antifa wannabes fighting against White privilege not being charged with obvious crimes they committed is kind of the most ironic use of White privilege. Ah, Paradox!

Don Hall 9/7/20 Don Hall 9/7/20

I Believe… [Living in a Bugs Bunny World]

…that when journalistic objectivity, property ownership, and craft jam are all indicators of white supremacy, we’ve now entered into a Chuck Jones cartoon as a society.

Don Hall 8/31/20 Don Hall 8/31/20

I Believe… [Enabling the Trump]

I believe… that the only person who benefits from protests devolving into riots and looting while being excused as somehow acceptable is Donald Trump.

Don Hall 8/24/20 Don Hall 8/24/20

I Believe… [Bad Knick Knack Branding]

I believe… that if you hope to sell your souvenirs and Old West figurines in Virginia City perhaps posting your TRUMP 2020 signs are a bad business move.

Don Hall 8/17/20 Don Hall 8/17/20

I Believe… [If You’re Gonna Loot… Er… Secure Reparations…]

I believe… that, had I been in Chicago during the Reparation Looting, I’d have looted the shit out of Garrett’s Popcorn and Whole Foods. I mean, a Nike High-Top ain’t feeding my kids, right?

Don Hall 8/10/20 Don Hall 8/10/20

I Believe… [Vapid Pursuits Leave Us With No Heroes]

…that in a period when our heroes are labeled heroic because they are wealthy, famous, or both it’s no wonder we live in a perpetual state of despair.

Don Hall 8/3/20 Don Hall 8/3/20

I Believe… [The Difference Between a Classy or Trashy Neck Tattoo]

I believe… that instead of banning neck and face tattoos from their casino and hotel, The D Las Vegas should instead ban trashy neck and face tattoos. You know, encourage Suicide Girls to come gamble but discourage White Power Cletus from swinging by.

Don Hall 7/27/20 Don Hall 7/27/20

I Believe… [Equal and Opposite]

…that Twitter has devolved into the FOX News for the Left.

Don Hall 7/20/20 Don Hall 7/20/20

I Believe.. [DiAngelo’s Fragility]

…that Robin DiAngelo looked in the mirror, saw that she was deeply racist, and decided that she was looking into a mirror of society instead of just herself.

Don Hall 7/13/20 Don Hall 7/13/20

I Believe… [We Are All Florida Man]

…that the United States has officially become the Florida of the world. Blindingly stupid, naked, snorting bath salts and screaming at each other about getting that ‘gator off my property.

Don Hall 7/6/20 Don Hall 7/6/20

I Believe... [Choose Love But FUCK YOU!]

I believe… that when you post things like “Choose Love” and follow it up with a strident hatred for someone you disagree with, you have clearly demonstrated how completely full of shit you are.

Don Hall 6/29/20 Don Hall 6/29/20

I Believe… [Gift-Wrapped Privilege]

I believe… that as a white man with privilege but no power, you can have it. I’ll even put it in one of those nice Amazon gift bags for you.

Don Hall 6/22/20 Don Hall 6/22/20

I Believe… [Enforcing Rights Instead of Culling Privilege]

I believe… that it doesn’t make sense to focus on privilege and trying to eliminate it; it would be far more logical and healthy to focus on rights and trying to enforce them.

Don Hall 6/15/20 Don Hall 6/15/20

I Believe… [Dolezal Was Ahead of the Curve]

I believe... that if “whiteness” becomes a catch-all for “oppressor,” one avenue to pursue is for white people to start doing what Rachel Dolezal did.

Don Hall 6/8/20 Don Hall 6/8/20

I Believe… [Political Science]

I believe… that science should always be apolitical.