I Believe… [Your Opinion Is Only Really Valuable On Election Day]
…that best reason to go out and vote is to give your voice and opinion an opportunity to contribute to something more than Zuckerberg’s bottom line.
Problematic Movies of the '80s | Blame it on Rio (1984)
The whole thing is played with wink-wink adolescence of a slightly greasy, older uncle complimenting his niece on her pantyline.
There Is a Right Way To Do This to Avoid a Second Civil War
I look over and the most angry of the two called out across the tables “What the fuck are you looking at?”
Caught a bit off guard, I stumbled. “Do I know you?”
“No, but I know YOU. You’re Don Hall. You’re a piece of shit!”
I Believe… [Shaming People is The Least Creative Approach]
…that shaming people for not voting is still shaming people. Persuade them or suffer the consequences of your lack of creative effort.
Problematic Movies of the 80s | Back to School (1986)
With outrageous and terrible one-liners, cameos by Sam Kinison, Severn Darden, Danny Elfman and Kurt Vonnegut, Sally Kellerman as a love interest, Burt Young as Melon’s tough guy valet, Back to School is an embarrassment of riches in a dumb but heartfelt movie.
Problematic Movies of the 80s | Risky Business (1983)
I’m not entirely sure why I voted for Ronald Reagan in 1984 but I’m starting to suspect that it may have had something to do with my love of movies featuring rich, white boys and their capitalistic coming of age stories.
I Believe… [Can I Just Eat My Omelette?]
…that once you’ve hit a point of notoriety in town when people who know who you are but have never met you already have a negative opinion of you see you in a local restaurant and feel strongly enough about it to make a scene, perhaps its time to run for office.
Problematic Movies of the 80s | Class (1983)
Revisiting those films from my youth (which also happen to be the films of Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh’s youth) to see if they pass the burn test.
Oh C’mon... We’re All a Little Bit Native American at This Point
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. The greatest trick The Donald ever pulled was convincing the world he was an idiot.
Hysteria in the Face of a Hook in My Scrotum
It’s likely that parents reading this have already crossed themselves or knocked on wood in deference to the fact that their children would never be put in these positions. That their children are safe.
I Believe… [Doubling Down on Losing]
…that nothing screams “LOSER!” like someone so fully committed to a decades-long losing political strategy that it seems righteous to continue to defend it despite all evidence that demonstrates its ineffectiveness. This includes proponents of both Trickle Down Economics and Identity Politics.
Problematic Movies of the 80s | The Cannonball Run (1981)
“This isn’t what I expected.”
“What did you expect?”
“I dunno. Gang rape?”
“Oh, Beauty. We’re racers not rapers.”
Regime Change in the Age of Trump
White males do not need a safe space and shouldn’t cry about when called names on Twitter or protested by a crowd. But neither should black males, white females, or anyone else.
I Believe.. [Maybe They Should've Called It "Turdsie"]
…that, if you’re going to adapt Tootsie for the stage as a musical, perhaps a focus on creating memorable songs, a believable narrative and avoiding a ball peen hammer approach to modernizing it for the #MeToo zeitgeist might be a better way to go.
Problematic Movies of the 80s | Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
I was 16 years old when this hit the theaters. What I remember of this movie was that I liked it, thought it was funny and mostly loved the character of Brad (played by a young Judge Reinhold.) The Spicoli character, played with stoner perfection by Sean Penn loomed large, and the fact that I got to see Phoebe Cates’ tits was a big plus. I saw it in the theater only once but it left a good impression upon my teenage brain. It felt authentic in many ways to my own high school experience as it was unfolding.
Upon rewatching it to see how potentially problematic the thing was, here are some takeaways…
When the Plate Glass Decapitates You and Trump Is the Only Thing On Your Mind
Like a heavy feather, the plate glass gracefully sliced through air for 7.6 seconds before gently decapitating Flores where she stood.
America is Not the Amityville Horror or Poltergeist House
The house that is the United States, if it were an actual house, has plenty of flakey hemoglobin on the grounds.
I Believe… [Go to the Gym Anyway…]
…that the days you really don’t want to go to the gym — making excuses, promising yourself that you’ll fast that day if only you can skip — but do are the days that matter most.
Who are These Fucking Rapey Dudes
I’ve never met an incel, at least not a card-carrying one or one who admitted it, let alone a “He-Man Woman Hater.” I can’t think of a time when I was friends with a dude who thought it was anything but vile stupidity to cat-call a woman on the street or from a car. Granted, I quit theater years ago, don’t hang out much in comedy clubs and decided that the improv scene was far too much like high school so maybe I’m missing out on all the dripping toxicity of dudes who are doing everything they can to be seen as funny and cool in order to get laid, sometimes at any cost.
I Believe… [The Real Resistance is Happening on Twitter and Fortnite]
…that feeling anxiety, victimized, or unjustly treated no longer makes you special or interesting. Your many ineffective tweets at @therealDonaldTrump and Fortnite ranking does.
Just curious… Is Baron Trump registered for the draft? If not, it looks like he will be. I just hope he doesn’t develop bone spurs and can become the war hero his father views himself as.