I Believe... [Adopting the Sexual Habits of Your Pets]

...that striving to drop some weight is less fatphobic and more frugal because who wants to keep buying ever-expanding pants?

...that that isn’t a balloon, it’s a space station. [CUE Imperial Theme played by traditional Chinese instruments].

...that ‘sex positive’ is just another way of excusing your neighbor’s chihuahua when he humps your leg incessantly.

...that the irony of a Congressional representative known to have claimed peril due to ‘Jewish Space Lasers’ invoking anti-semitism against anyone else is rich and thick like the foam spewing from her mouth.

...that social media marketing is peaking as people realize how much they hate, and have always hated, advertising of any sort.