Don Hall 1/15/19 Don Hall 1/15/19

Do You Weigh as Much as a Duck?

The concept that if I say my pain is real, it must be real, and if you don't suffer from my pain, my pain is in some part your fault so just listen to me as I yell in your face about your need for shame and contrition.

Don Hall 1/14/19 Don Hall 1/14/19

I Believe… [But Th-Th-They Do It, Too!]

…that the act of pointing out the bad behavior of others when confronted with your own is the act of a child. This is true for presidents, improv comedians, and people caught littering.

Don Hall 1/12/19 Don Hall 1/12/19

You Can't Blowfish Your Way Outta This Mess

When the Universe grants the food pellets to the rats who squall the most vociferously the message is simple and obvious. Blowfish the shit out of your daily problems. Go online and type your grievances ALL IN CAPS SO THAT EVERYONE KNOWS HOW GODDAMN PISSED YOU ARE!

Don Hall 1/9/19 Don Hall 1/9/19

“You aren't Going to Tell My Mom, are You?"

And then I saw her. Standing casually next to a guy in a T-shirt, looking around for a customer to lap dance for ten dollars in the room. It was Nora. “Holy shit!” I thought. “What is she... fifteen? Did she see me? How do I get outta here?”

Don Hall 1/7/19 Don Hall 1/7/19

I Believe… [The Monotony of Public Outrage]

…that when outrage becomes so normal and monotonous that the expression of it is merely annoying rather than inspiring, perhaps a step back is necessary. I’m not tone policing, I’m tone suggesting.

Don Hall 1/6/19 Don Hall 1/6/19

Why Bird Box Is A Great Horror Flick

The list can go on forever but the essential point is that best of the horror genre refuse to define exactly what the monster terrorized the flawed humans is and allows the viewer to play the game.

Don Hall 1/3/19 Don Hall 1/3/19

The Big Fish and Von Freeman

The Big Fish swims in the Little Pond and, because he is a fish, he has no idea how small the pond is nor how small he is in the context of other ponds. When he is uplifted and thrown into a far larger pond (or a lake or an ocean) the inflated self-image shatters with the sound of Von Freeman casually stating the obvious in front of a room filled with strangers.

Don Hall 1/1/19 Don Hall 1/1/19

The Crack Is Not the Mirror

Focusing on the smallest of exceptions as endemic of the whole is a broken mirror. Back away from the mirror and the cracks seem less daunting. The closer you get, the more horrifying you look and the more the cracks supersede the purpose of the mirror itself.

Don Hall 12/31/18 Don Hall 12/31/18

I Believe... [Advertisers Should Die Uncomfortably]

..that after spending a week plus in Kansas, I can say that the worst thing about this country and the lives of a vast swath of its citizens is having to endure television advertising. Fucking Geico commercials can destroy even Godfather Part II. It’s like having an annoying 14-year old keep interrupting your show every fifteen minutes to poke you in the chest repeatedly, make armpit farts, and twerk to mouth-made beats. For three fucking hours.

Don Hall 12/31/18 Don Hall 12/31/18

Literate Ape Year End Review 2018

So, in tribute to what many will look back upon as a year spent eating their emotions in the form of Hot Pockets and brie and drinking from the swill bucket to make the pain go away, here are the top ten reads of Literate Ape from 2018:

Don Hall 12/29/18 Don Hall 12/29/18

The Word of 2018 was “WTF?”

CNN announced that the word of 2018 was “Justice.” I’ve read on Medium that the word of 2018 was “Trauma,” “Resist,” and “Moments.” Also, “Truth,” “Rage,” Fuck,” and “Listen.”

All wrong.

Don Hall 12/28/18 Don Hall 12/28/18

Las Vegas Stinks... of Possibility

One of the most asked questions I’ve been fielding lately in this new pursuit for a home in the Mojave is “Why Vegas?” proffered in the same way one would ask you why I was wearing that gold sequined tube top to church or why I got that Joey Laurence neck tattoo.

Don Hall 12/26/18 Don Hall 12/26/18

The Best of The Ape 2018 | Virgins Are Monsters

Literate Ape is a small digital rag and, while we’d love nothing more to be a huge digital rag, we’re proud of the writing in every case. In this article, I’d like to showcase a few pieces of phenomenal merit that, in the din of constant internet writing going on these days, you might have missed but are well worth your time reading.

Don Hall 12/25/18 Don Hall 12/25/18

Unforging Marley's Chain: Rewriting the Script

For me, it's those fucking chains of Marley that give me pause. Link by link, and yard by yard. The chain we forge in life.

Don Hall 12/24/18 Don Hall 12/24/18

I Believe… [Christmas Layoffs Are the Spawn of Hell]

…that any company that fires someone just before Christmas should be burned to the ground. That includes lauded comedy institutions, banks, orphanages, and indie record stores.

Don Hall 12/23/18 Don Hall 12/23/18

Second Chance

On my 33rd birthday, after hiding among the people and jobs, I realized that I wasn’t a mutant or a super hero. I wasn’t a part of a team. There was no one else on the entire planet with powers and life wasn’t a comic book. So I embraced my secret identity - Don Hall, average big-mouth white guy - and did my best to pretend I was normal. Just like everybody else.

Don Hall 12/19/18 Don Hall 12/19/18

Problematic Movies of the '80s | Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

I find myself bemused and slightly embarrassed that in my years of most physically viable my choices were so directly motivated by my cock.

Don Hall 12/17/18 Don Hall 12/17/18

I Believe… [Channeling Gump]

…that, in the spirit of Forrest Gump, racist is what racist does rather than what racist says.

Don Hall 12/15/18 Don Hall 12/15/18

Getting Punched In the Genitals by a Christmas Song

Welcome to the Faceborg Nation, friends and neighbors. Try the coffee — it’s bitter and unforgiving and comes only in Black or White.

Don Hall 12/11/18 Don Hall 12/11/18

Changing Up the Routine: Acknowledging the Inevitable Tsunami

It takes 33 pounds of pressure and five minutes to strangle the life out of a grown human. It takes far less to strangle their aspirations of meaning and even less to simply boot-grind the breath out of their dreams for more than trading life for money for security.