I Just Fixed Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean Ride
The company recently announced that it is dropping the Wench Auction from its Pirates of the Caribbean ride at its parks. A spokesperson says it is because times have changed and selling women as brides isn’t funny anymore like it was in the 1960s and ’70s when America was great, I guess.
And of course, people are up in arms over the change because it’s such a beloved ride. And because of that, Disney isn’t killing all off the wenches entirely. They’re keeping the redhead—a fan favorite—as the auctioneer. Cool. This gives a redheaded woman a leadership role, and #Feminism. Instead of auctioning off humans, she’s now auctioning off your loot underneath a sign on the ride that will read: “Auction, Surrender Yer Loot.”
“We believe the time is right to turn the page to a new story in the scene consistent with the humorous, adventurous spirit of the attraction,” said the company spokesperson, according to CNN—a news organization that couldn’t wrestle itself out of a paper bag.
But what’s funny about selling loot? Loot that you were forced to surrender? That’s robbery. Maybe robbery is funny because it’s part of a pirate ride at an amusement park that resembles a Japanese internment camp turned upside down more than anything else. But come on, auctioning off loot isn't funny. When was the last time anyone went to EBay for a good chuckle? The selling of a wench as a bride is—or was—funny because it’s absurd. Absurdity is a tenet of comedy, and therefore, funny. If Disney wants to make up for any wrongdoings, it can stop making Prates of the Caribbean movies.
But I understand why a ride geared toward families shouldn't feature men selling women into marriage. So here’s a better idea: flip the script and have a gang of female pirates selling off the men. That’s funny. And it’s a statement against the Patriarchy, so, again, #Feminism.
There you go, Disney, I just made everything better for you. Everyone wins. My invoice is in the mail.