The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Alabama Fetus Fest 2019!
The Alabama Fetus Fest 2019 Planning Committee
Montgomery, Alabama, Statehouse
May 15, 2019 9:15am
In Attendance: Del, Greg, Jabo, Arthur, Garlen
Del – Gentlemen, congratulations on us passing the strictest abortion bill in the nation. Soon, the governor will sign it into law and, when the law goes into effect, we are going to celebrate.
Greg – I have been celebrating since we passed it. You all know drunk driving is a hobby of mine.
Del – That’s why I’m putting you in charge of libations and transportation.
Greg – Makes sense.
Del – We’ll need shuttles going to and from….Are you ready for it?... Fetus Fest!
Jabo – Great name, but shouldn’t our wives be planning this sort of thing?
Del – They all declined. Besides, who best to determine how women should celebrate the end of abortion in our state than the very men who passed the bill?
Arthur – Here, here! Fetus Fest is a great idea and will bring in the tourism dollars we so painfully need. What have you got up your dress shirt’s short sleeves?
Del – Well, every festival needs a pageant, right? We’ll have the young ladies compete for the honor of being Little Miss Carry. It’s for all teens and pre-teens who got pregnant and carried their baby to term. They get a sash, a crown, and bragging rights to help care for their child.
Garlen – Go ahead and sign up my 12-year-old daughter Amber.
Del – Is Amber with child?
Garlen – We’re working on it. Should be by the time the festival rolls around.
Jabo – I think we should have a carnival with rides and games. People like the rides and games. Games like where you squirt water into a clown’s mouth, but it could be a girl’s hoo-hoo and we watch her belly get bigger and bigger. Whoever pops the balloon first — you know, has a baby — gets a prize. Like cigarettes. And they don’t have to take responsibility for the baby.
Del – I like it. Entertaining and educational. Fun for the whole family. Those are the kind of ideas we’re looking for.
Arthur – Lots of festivals will have a kissing booth, we can have an impregnation station. For five bucks, you can get a gal pregnant.
Del – I don’t know, Arthur. That sounds close to prostitution.
Arthur – No, no, the women don’t get any money. Just the joy of having a child planted in their lady parts. They’re the winners in this.
Greg – Think we’ll find enough women to volunteer?
Arthur – Volunteer? No. Assigned. We can draw names, like a draft lottery. We’re celebrating fetuses here, right? Well, we should be making some.
Jabo – Everyone should get a chance to make or take home a baby. Maybe we can have a big tub near the gate. Leave-A-Baby, Take-A-Baby.
Del – I like these ideas, men. The Alabama 2019 Fetus Fest is going to be monumental.
Greg – How do we end the festival?
Del – Like we end all Alabama festivals – Monster Truck Rally, Gun Show, and fireworks.
Greg – Of course.