The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – HOLY SHIT WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE AND NOT SOON ENOUGH Meeting of The Chicago Optimists’ Society

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – HOLY SHIT WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE AND NOT SOON ENOUGH Meeting of The Chicago Optimists’ Society


By Joe Janes


The Chicago Optimists’ Society

June 27, 2018  9:30am  

The Rose Room at The Hilton Garden Hotel

In Attendance: Mike – President, Meg – Treasurer, Leo - Secretary

Mike – Well, it’s great to be here and to see everyone. I am only mildly sad to see our membership dwindle so much over the last 17 months. I am sure we will be able to turn this around and start to bring back old friends and make new ones.

Meg – There’s just the three of us. We could have saved some money and met in my car.

Mike – We could have, and your old Chevy Nova would have been quite cozy what with the breezy rusted out floor and all. But we mustn’t give up hope. Maybe there’s 20 people on the bus on their way here and they just ran into some traffic congestion. Traffic congestion caused by the 100s of other people driving to get here. They could all be walking through that door any second now. It could happen. I'm up to 300 friends on Facebook and I invited them all.

Leo – I almost didn’t come this morning.

Mike – Oh, no, Leo. That would have been a shame. I got some coconut donuts just for you. You’re the only one who likes them. 

Leo – Thanks. I’m just so depressed. 

Meg – We told you not to read or watch or listen to the news. 

Leo – I can’t escape it. It’s all over the place. Kids in cages, social security being gutted, healthcare’s not going to be accepting people with preexisting conditions-

Mike – Leo, the only preexisting condition I want you to have is a smile on your face.

Meg – I stay cheery by watching animal videos. The ones where different animals from different species are besties and loving all over each other. If a opossum and a snail can get along, then there’s hope for us, too.

Leo – The racism and hatred in this country. It scares me. People calling the police just because a black person is in their white person space.

Meg – If a bear cub and a moth can be cuddle buddies, then so can a privileged white woman on her phone and a black man at a barbeque. 

Mike – Leo. I know things seem bad, right now. You just keep telling yourself that things will get better. 

Leo – Canada, England, France, Germany, Japan, and China all hate us. Kim Jong-un and Donald J. Trump are the snuggle bugs. And a shirtless Putin and hopefully clothed Netanyahu, it’s just one big cuddle pile of evil.

Meg – I bet taking some positive action would make you feel better.

Leo – The angry emoticon button on my Facebook page is set for automatic. I don’t know what else I can do. 

Mike – You could call your representatives.

Meg – There’s that video where people pretend to disappear behind a blanket and freak out their dogs. Technically cruel, but also hilarious. 

Mike – You can also support organizations that are fighting all the things you mentioned, like the ACLU and Planned Parenthood

Meg – I like to order GrubHub and watch Netflix in my free time. It often asks me if I am still watching. Yep. I am! I am also still eating.

Mike – You can also volunteer your time. Go to marches. Make your voice heard. 

Meg – Season Two of Luke Cage just came out. Even a white straight male like yourself must admit he is a fine hunk of superior dark chocolate. The kind of chocolate that’s good for your heart.

Leo – I do like his skin. 

Mike - I think I saw a smile. 

Leo – I just don’t think things will change. I think things are just going to get worse and worse and worse and anyone who is not in the 1% is going to die of poverty and have their bodies ground up for Soylent Green. 

Meg – Soylent Green is people and you are a people person. 

Leo – I guess you’re right. I can still try to do my best to help people. Even if they are hungry and I am dead. Mike, how do you manage to keep optimistic in these dark times?

Mike – I keep my eye on what’s important. Before you can ask, that’s you. You, Leo. And you, Meg. All my friends and family. All the new friends I see as I walk down the street and give them a smile. I always give them a smile because I have plenty. If smiles were money. I’m a one-percenter. And I’m giving all my smiles away. If I brighten the day of just one person by letting them know I see them and I appreciate them, then I have already lived a full life.  

Meg – That’s beautiful, Mike. 

Mike – Now, let’s hit the bar.

Leo – It’s only 9:45am. The bar’s not open.

Mike – I’ll share my flask of Wild Turkey. Let’s go sit in Meg’s car. 

Meg's car. Mike and Leo's new favorite place to drink.

Meg's car. Mike and Leo's new favorite place to drink.

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