The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - Sexual Predators Celebrity VIP Chapter
by Joe Janes
The Benevolent Brotherhood of
Celebrity VIP Chapter
Meeting at 10:30am 10/18/2017
at The Beverly Hills Hotel, Harvey’s room
Attendance: Bill Cosby, Bill O’Reilly, Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, Louis CK, Woody Allen, Me,
Roman Polanski (Skyped in)
We were going to order room service, but, well, I’ll let White Bill explain…
O’REILLY: We’re tapped. We’re out of money, amigos. All our funds have been spent on legal fees, settlements and just plain ol’ shut up and let me buy you something nice fees. That’s why I’m wearing a bathrobe from home and not a hotel bathrobe.
LOUIS: Why don’t we all pitch in for some bagels and coffee?
TRUMP: Donald Trump doesn’t pay for bagels. I’m the president. And I’d rather have a Diet Coke that a taxpayer has paid for. I will eat a bagel because I like the Jews, but only on Jew holidays.
ROMAN: You’re getting off topic. Gentlemen, I’ve been dealing with this sort of thing for decades. If you don’t have the good sense to get out of the country-
TRUMP: I was just in Puerto Rico!
ROMAN: -then I can’t help you.
WOODY: It’s going to get worse. There’s going to be a witch hunt. (Everyone shrugged.) We’re the witches. (Everyone nodded.)
COSBY: At least we’re not pedophiles.
O‘REILLY: Yes, May As Well Be White Bill. Thank God. At least what we do is natural.
WOODY: She had an old soul.
ROMAN: She told me she was 16. Legal in most states.
LOUIS: Hey, I have daughters. You sicken me. These accusations also sicken me. I don’t know why masturbating in front of someone is considered assault. I’m the only one getting groped.
HARVEY: Potted plants get the brunt of it from me and they’ve never complained.
COSBY: I also don’t think it should count if they’re asleep. It’s like a dream. A sweet, sticky dream. I’ll get us some drinks!
There were various cries of “No!” to this.
We had a moment of silence for Hugh Hefner, the man who paved the way for opening doors while wearing a bathrobe.
Then we talked about how we could raise more funds.
COSBY: I can do a tour.
This was met with awkward silence.
TRUMP: I can get us some money through my charity foundation. And get us a golf trophy.
This was also met with awkward silence.
ROMAN: I can make a movie. I still make good movies.
HARVEY: I’ll produce it.
WOODY : I have an script about a man in his 70s who is seduced by a woman in her late teens.
O’REILLY: I’ll do the research.
Donald Trump, our spiritual leader, led us in a closing prayer.
TRUMP: Dear God - You’re really huge. You seem like a nice guy. Everybody says nice things about you. We’re nice guys. Also huge. Very huge. We’re only trying to help people. Young starlets, people who can introduce us to young starlets. You know what it’s like, God. “We do you a favor, you do us a favor. That sort of thing. Let us pour you a drink. No one has to know. We all have our needs. You’re so beautiful. Come on. Just touch it. We just can’t help ourselves around you.” It’s really your fault, God, for making women look so damn good. We’re one nation under you. You didn’t ask. We didn’t complain. …Amen.
President: Harvey Weinstein
Treasurer: Bill O’Reilly
Secretary: Matt Damon