I Believe… [Just Tack an "Ism" On It and You're Ready to Go!]
…that, while the election of 2016 (and likely 2020) signaled some dark times for the country, this is nothing more than White Male Supremacy's Last Stand. It's angry, desperate, and wholly unpopular. Those of us who rail against it should simply stay the course and avoid sabotaging ourselves with infighting.
I Believe… [WOLVERINES!]
...that, if you think high school kids can’t be heroes, you never saw Red Dawn. WOLVERINES!
I Believe… [Trump is Us. Own It.]
…that anyone who uses social media to insult, shame, name call, posture and overtly self-promote is in no position to castigate Trump for it because you are playing from the exact same playbook as our Idiot Savant President. The biggest tragedy of the 2016 Election is that we finally elected someone just like us.
I Believe… [Age is Just a Number That Means You're Old]
…that when you say "Age is just a number" my feet and lower back wanna sock you repeatedly in the junk until you acknowledge that age is decay and decay is the ever approaching sound of mortality. Maybe lose the "just." "Age is a number" is more true and less damning of the fact I'm wearing bifocals.
I Believe… [If You Appropriate, Pay the Toll]
…that cultural appropriation is best addressed by making sure those cultures appropriated are handsomely paid for it. Even then, it's iffy but economic redress is concrete rather than an apology.
I Believe.. [Nikki Haley was Humping a Bag of Maggots]
…that the only must-see event that eclipses The Greatest Showman as revisionist make 'em up but hysterical historical fiction is the Trumpster's State of the Union Address on Tuesday. I'll be watching it with The Greatest Hits of the Tijuana Brass playing in the background.
I Believe… [Affirmative Consent Is the Way To Go]
…that Affirmative Consent Laws this are the exact and necessary step to take nationwide. Yeah, it’ll be a huge learning curve for all sexual beings but I think we can sacrifice a tad of the spontaneity and danger of hook ups for a better standard of how to do it safely.
I Believe… [If Only Trump Ended Sentences With "Meathead!"]
…that Donald Trump is like having Archie Bunker as president. Imagine the late Carroll O'Connor asking "Why would we want all these people from shithole countries when the United States should admit more people from places like Norway, Meathead." If fact, from now on, no matter what the TrumpsterFire says, I'm going to hear it in Bunker's voice and my life will be funnier.
I Believe… [Fashion Statement Activism]
…that the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow is selling (and people are buying) a $135 Coffee Enema Kit is far more alarming than anything going on in Congress these days. I "accidentally" shot coffee up my ass (there was a safe word) and it was not worth $135 unless it was from Starbucks.
I Believe… [With a New Year Comes the Same Bullshit]
…that no matter how much you want the New Year page turn to open up to a whole new world, Donald Trump is still the fucking president.
I Believe… [Christmas Day 2017]
…that Christmas makes me realize how fragile we all are and how brilliantly heroic it is to simply survive on a ball of rock hurtling through space. We thrive in spite of our natures and the yin-yang of the best and worst parts of us is what makes humanity remarkable.
I Believe… [Y2K Redux]
…that the hysteria surrounding Y2K was worldwide, caused a low-grade mass anxiety, and ultimately makes us all (those around for it) look a bit silly in hindsight. When confronting all of the hysteria, low-grade anxiety of today, I'd suggest we remember Y2K.
I Believe... [I've Pretty Much Had It With Social Media]
...that the unfortunate consequence of social media is that it has made me dislike human beings so much. I'm realizing how toxic it is to know how everyone feels about everything and I'm thinking my wife has it right by not engaging almost at all with these platforms.
I Believe... [Russiagate is a Smokescreen]
...that the need for self-expression combined with the faulty promise of access to the megaphone of social media has created a reward for disingenuous posturing and boasting of virtues best left felt rather than heard. Watching Matt Lauer do a PSA against sexual harassment is just a national example of doughy guys on Faceborg signaling their sad complicity and sorrow for having cocks.
I Believe... [Will SOME Mega-Corporations PLEASE Regulate the Internet?]
...that there is a paradox afoot when we are trying hard to get a few mega-corporations to regulate content on the internet (Faceborg, Google) and trying hard to prevent other mega-corporations from regulating content on the internet (Comcast, ATT&T) at the same time.
I Believe... [We Are Poised to Lose 2020]
...that the Progressive slogan for Election 2020 is now officially "Cutting Off Our Noses to Spite Our Faces."
I Believe...[Outing Spacey Doesn't Erase the ShitShow That Was "Rent"]
...that, if you're going to carry around a palm-sized supercomputer that cost you a grand and is made almost entirely of in your back pocket, you probably shouldn't treat it like a disposable burner phone. The computing power to send NASA to the moon should not be so carelessly stashed that close to your bunghole, bro.
I Believe... [Joking About "David Cop-a-Feel" is NOT Rapey]
I Believe... [The Monsters Are Us]
...that if aliens came to Earth with any mission but total annihilation of the human race, 2017 would convince them otherwise.
I Believe... [George W. is Enjoying the Trumpster Fire]
...that, if nothing else, at least the ineffectual pile of runny dogshit that is the Donald Trump presidency has managed to rehabilitate the image of poor, dimwitted George W.
...that, at a certain age, a birthday is no longer a celebration of your existence but another notch in the ‘Fuck off, Death’ belt.