Don Hall 4/18/18 Don Hall 4/18/18

Finding Carl Kasell

“Has anyone seen Carl?”

The question chilled the blood in my chest. Anne, Tyler and I were up on the third balcony, placing Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! gift bags and Carl Kasell dolls on every one of the 1,850 seats in the Warner Theater. In three hours, every seat would be filled by fans looking to see and celebrate the final taping of the show with Carl as the Judge/Timekeeper.

Below, onstage, the cast and crew were running through a technical rehearsal — running jokes, testing microphones, adjusting lights.

And Carl was nowhere to be found.

Don Hall 4/16/18 Don Hall 4/16/18

I Believe... [You Aren’t Boycotting Starbucks...]

...that, while the woman calling the cops to arrest the two black men in a Phillie Starbucks is complete and utter anal weeping, you aren’t boycotting Starbucks any more than you are deleting your Faceborg account or boycotting the NFL. And what would happen if you did? Would Starbucks cease to hire marginally racist white women as managers — in Philadelphia?

Don Hall 4/14/18 Don Hall 4/14/18

Singing the Most Common Song in America

The myth proliferated by the government and media and those whose interests align with keeping money out of the hands of the masses is that the homeless are either mentally ill, criminals, drug addicts or stupid.

Don Hall 4/13/18 Don Hall 4/13/18

My Emotional Support Strategy Isn't as Cute as a Puppy

I am now at war with the Chicago Transit Authority, Target and United Airlines for denying me my right to utilize my emotional support strategy and generally discriminating against myself and those countless people who have the same ailment but have been silenced by a marginalizing oppression due to archaic views of the human body.

Don Hall 4/10/18 Don Hall 4/10/18

Stigmata Nation: The Martyr Complex is Complete

All of America, from sea to motherfucking shining, oil-polluted, used condom-filled sea, is obsessed with bitching about how hard their lives are.

Don Hall 4/9/18 Don Hall 4/9/18

I Believe... [It Didn’t Snow in Cancun]

...that if your perception of Mexico and Mexican people specifically comes from the media, you need to take a trip to Mexico. Trust me, you’re wrong. Beautiful country, beautiful people. Trusting your media-fed perspective is like trusting Trump about Chicago.

Don Hall 4/8/18 Don Hall 4/8/18

Reports of My Death...

I’m in Cancun, Mexico with Dana as you read this. Which means I can’t grab you for coffee or a sandwich right now. Because I’m lounging in the sand with the most most wonderful human being in the known universe.

That said, when we get back, expect an invitation to spend some time. In person. Like humans are supposed to do.

Don Hall 4/5/18 Don Hall 4/5/18

To Bro, With Disregard: Substitute Teaching in the New World

After a solid 12 years out of the public school teaching workforce, I'm infrequently back to substitute teaching for charter schools. Once or twice a week, balanced by events work, Literate Ape work, podcasting and pretending to be a reporter on Chicago Med. Not because I have any interest in rejoining the profession but because I got the damn degree and freelance work sometimes leaves some down time. Gotta make a few bucks while you can, amirite?

Don Hall 4/3/18 Don Hall 4/3/18

REVERSALS: Rebecca is Almost Always Right

As Dracula stood centerstage, surrounded by the bodies of his victims, and the first piano strains of “I Will Survive” chimed in, the audience started giggling again already exhausted from laughing their asses off for a straight hour. By the time he was fully into the song, glorious in his Richard Harris singing style, the crowd was clapping on the beat and the place was on fire.

Don Hall 4/2/18 Don Hall 4/2/18

I Believe… [I Have Risen]

...that nothing speaks to how clueless and discompassionate we are as people than the immediate chattering of Starbucks customers following a homeless man wondering into the coffee shop barking “Can anyone help me? I’m hungry!”

Don Hall 3/29/18 Don Hall 3/29/18

On Avoiding Hysteria in Hysterical Times

"I think you might have bed bugs," she said. She had spent the night and when I took her home, she had gone back to sleep. When she woke up, she had welts all over back and arms. It seemed unlikely to me that that had come from my bed because I never had any bug bites. I slept in that bed every night and no bites, so I figured they must have come from someplace else.

Don Hall 3/27/18 Don Hall 3/27/18

Serving Tacos to a Serial Killer in Training

And then I looked into the boy's eyes.

Not like a creepy thing — it wasn't as if I had to. It was as if I couldn't help it. For the boy's eyes were dead, malevolent, like an evil, lifeless doll or something. And I realized I was serving tortilla chips to a budding Jeffrey Dahmer.

I rationalized. Someone, somewhere, had to have served a glass of iced tea to John Wayne Gacy, right? Ed Gein probably was served breakfast at some diner by someone, yes?

Don Hall 3/26/18 Don Hall 3/26/18

I Believe… [The Power of the People = Rich White Guys for Governor]

…that when we have yet another election for Illinois governor between two white billionaires, we need to re-evaluate our strategies in convincing the population to vote for better. The "aren't we cool and progressive" smugness, the angry moralizing , and the appeals to be humane for all citizens don't seem to be working...

Don Hall 3/25/18 Don Hall 3/25/18

A Few Pieces of Unsolicited Advice to Young Prince Harry Himmel

I'm old. I mean, way older than I look. I'm older than your grandparents even though I look younger than your dad. Old can mean decrepit and gassy but it can, in the best cases, mean wise. So, below is a stab at the latter for you.

Don Hall 3/23/18 Don Hall 3/23/18

The Answers to All the Great Mysteries Are Found in the Laundry

within the simple task of gathering up your smelly socks and the pair of jeans with the ketchup stain near the crotch and hopefully using that Tide Pod for its intended use is the all important, elusive Meaning of Life.

Don Hall 3/20/18 Don Hall 3/20/18

The Long Road to the Trump Presidency and Where We Go From Here

On the ListServ (a prehistoric version of Faceborg and Twitter) you find a thread espousing the new GOP-driven “Contract with America.” Users with fake names espousing the “Taking Back Our Streets Act” and the “Personal Responsibility Act” and conspiracy theories about then President Bill Clinton and his “manly” First Lady.

“Who pays attention to this shit?” you ask after perusing the thread for three hours. The irony is lost on you.

Don Hall 3/19/18 Don Hall 3/19/18

I Believe… [Poor People Remind Us the System is Screwed]

…that Americans hate the poor because poor people remind them how rigged the capitalist system is against anyone not born into wealth. No one wants some smelly, homeless former public school teacher demonstrating the thinness of the ice one stands upon.

Don Hall 3/17/18 Don Hall 3/17/18

Does the Character of the Artist Taint the Art?

Turns out that Krafft is a Holocaust denier and a White Nationalist. Progressive art lovers everywhere spent vast amounts of wealth buying his "ironic" pieces only to find out that he wasn't really being ironic at all.

If you bought his kitchy "Hitler Idaho" teapot and thought it was an ironic joke and, in your subjective opinion, displayed the teapot as a provocative piece of dark humorous art, does the realization that the artist is a raging lunatic with hatefully poisonous beliefs change the teapot?

Don Hall 3/15/18 Don Hall 3/15/18

It Must Be Dorito’s Fault I’m a Bag of Suet in a Pair of Overstuffed Skinny Jeans

So, in the debate over whether we are addicted to our smartphones or social media, it makes no difference if we are addicted, manipulated, or just weak-willed, the results are still exactly the same: a compromised democracy, the highest teen suicide rate in recorded history, a dwindling attention span and a slow disconnect from humanity in favor of the humanity as represented on a glass screen.

Don Hall 3/13/18 Don Hall 3/13/18

The White Kids Are Lionized; The Black Kids Are Demonized

It probably isn't any big surprise that, despite his strident hatred of Islam, I remain an enthusiastic fan of Bill Maher.

So, when I sat down at my iMac and watched his interview of two of the rich, white kids at the forefront of the #NeverAgain movement, I had to go back and look through his archive to see if he had any of the poor, black kids behind the #BlackLivesMatter movement.

He didn't.