Why You Were Blocked (Instead of Beaten on the Street with a Baseball Bat)
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

Why You Were Blocked (Instead of Beaten on the Street with a Baseball Bat)

We are evolved. We can simply press our mouse or trackpad as it hovers over a blue box on the screen and BLOCK people.

At this point, my Facebook and Twitter BLOCK list is as long as my right forearm because it is just easier to BLOCK you than to come find you and hurl epithets that let you know exactly how I feel about you. BLOCKING is facile when compared to an open-palm slap.

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The Lies We Tell (and The Blanket Acceptance of Them)
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

The Lies We Tell (and The Blanket Acceptance of Them)

"We're all such a pack of liars," he said at one point. "We go to some show that we think stinks and afterward we tell them 'Good show!' as if these people don't already know their show stinks. We lie to each other all the time."

He was right. We do constantly lie to each other and then we accept these lies because we're supposed to—as if by lying and accepting the bullshit, we are providing grease to the friction of social grace. We lie and acquiesce to the lie because it makes us feel better.

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The Choice to Participate in the Soup of Offensive Ideas Makes You Stronger
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

The Choice to Participate in the Soup of Offensive Ideas Makes You Stronger

At this point, most people have heard my tale of my early days as a homophobic dickface who, when confronted by a close friend who happened to be gay, worked through the fear and loathing to become a more decent human being (or at least a less monstrous, bigoted one).

I'm glad for the experience because it taught me a couple of things that have stuck over the years:
• Bigots can change if they want to.
• Lectures from strangers about tolerance are trumped by the disdain of someone you love.
• College is a place where being a stupid jackass who then learns to be a more educated jackass is the point.

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Wanna Try a Radical Experiment?
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

Wanna Try a Radical Experiment?

There once was a boy. He was a boy born of privilege but also of extremely poor health. A rich, sickly boy. Temporarily blinded as a child, a stomach condition that left him in pain most days, back pains that would persist his entire life. It being the late 1800’s, the medical profession was less than helpful.

As he grew older, his health got worse and he began to struggle with depression and thoughts of suicide.  Because his father was wealthy and had influence, he was enrolled into Harvard Medical College. Willing to try anything rather than live as a suicidal invalid, he signed up for an anthropological expedition to the Amazon rainforest. He contracted small pox in the jungle and nearly died.  

The young man managed to return home to a disappointed father, nearly 30 years old, still unemployed, a failure at everything he had ever attempted, with a body that betrayed him and wasn’t likely to ever get better. Despite every advantage and opportunity he had been given in life, he had failed them all. The only constants in his life seemed to be suffering and disappointment. The man fell into a deep depression and planned to take his own life.

But first he decided to try one last thing before biting on a pistol.

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Tell Them One Thousand-and-One Times and Then Change Your Tactic
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

Tell Them One Thousand-and-One Times and Then Change Your Tactic

If you were watching that parent scream at his child, you might suggest he try another tactic rather than hostility and demands. You might suggest that another approach to his child might bear a more fruitful result. You might suggest that his frustration and rage, while perhaps completely justified, is not achieving the result he wants. And, sure, he might tell you to stick it up your ass but at least you tried.

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Wanna Get Paid to Write for Literate Ape?
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

Wanna Get Paid to Write for Literate Ape?

When we started Literate Ape, the primary goal was to be able to pay writers to write.

We do our many events (including Identity Flip, The Sickest Fucking Stories I Ever Heard and the upcoming BUGHOUSE!) so that we can use the money made at the box office to pay our contributors.  Eventually, I'll put on my pasties and fish net stockings and go out and whore ourselves out for paid sponsors. Why? To pay our writers.

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How Old are You in Your Dreams?
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

How Old are You in Your Dreams?

Ask around.

When you dream, how old are you in that strange, dusky landscape called your subconscious? Do you know? Does anyone, really?

I don't remember a lot of my dreams. I sleep like a wood carving or a stone tablet. When I'm out, I am out. But when I do remember my dreams, I can't recall what age I may be. It always seems a bit like I'm physically all over the place but mentally the age I am now (which some might argue is about 13). How old should I be?

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I, Superhero
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

I, Superhero

The past few summers have set the stage for what some call "too many superhero movies."  I just this week went to Spiderman: Homecoming with Ray (I loved it) and am looking forward to Justice League as well as The Defenders on Netflix, Thor: Ragnarok,  Black Panther,  Gotham City Sirens, etc.  I love these multiverses for a variety of reasons.

But Moore, the cracked genius behind WatchmenV for Vendetta and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, cannot be easily dismissed.

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The Elbow Grease Needs to Be Distributed
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

The Elbow Grease Needs to Be Distributed

When I came to, I was lying on my back on the dirty concrete, my tongue a bit swollen and tasting like I had swallowed a fistful of pennies. My fingertips were blackened and I was seriously thirsty.

I had just electrified myself for the second time, the first only knocking me back a few steps, but this time, it knocked me off my feet and I lay unconscious for a few minutes. I got up to try again.

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I Believe...[Dog Sauce, My Ass]
I Believe..., Don Hall Don Hall I Believe..., Don Hall Don Hall

I Believe...[Dog Sauce, My Ass]

...that Chicago Dog Sauce is both a terrible name for ketchup and the strangest ploy to get Chicago hot dog purists (which is like old lady Hummel figurine collectors and dudes who collect sports tattoos in the precious category) to use a condiment in history.  They could’ve called it “Ketchup for Morons” and it would’ve been more honest.

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Close Enough for Jazz
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

Close Enough for Jazz

Jazz is about self expression and intent.  Orchestral playing is about precision and perfection.  Perfection scares the shit out of me.  Jazz is about listening and composing and riffing.  Orchestral playing is about becoming a cog in a larger clock and nailing your small piece of the composition at exactly the right time in exactly the right pitch.

A recital is about all of that fucking perfection except all by yourself.

And triple tonguing is killing me.

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My Friend Ken Manthey Couldn't Handle Pineapple Pizza
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

My Friend Ken Manthey Couldn't Handle Pineapple Pizza

Last week, Ken was admitted to Elmhurst Memorial Hospital for pain in his stomach and back.  Monday morning, Ken died from pancreatic cancer.  It was fast.  I spoke to him briefly on Friday.  He knew was going to die.  We agreed that he would wait until Monday (when I could visit him to say farewell) but he exited almost exactly 45 minutes before I got there.

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My Wife Hides Ice Cream Sandwiches from Me
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

My Wife Hides Ice Cream Sandwiches from Me

The beauty of freelance, working-from-home life is that I can type this right now wearing a pink thong and lipstick on my nipples and no one is the wiser.  The ugly is that there is a refrigerator with food I chose to stock a mere 15 steps from my desk.

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A Push from the Thin
Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall Don Hall

A Push from the Thin

Dylan encouraged us (through his fog and haze of liquor) to 'Rage, rage against the dying of the light" and we interpret the light as our corporeal mortality.  Perhaps the light is the ideals of humanity that make us bigger than our days.  Perhaps the light is a compilation of the gestures that make our lives bricks of a cathedral we're all building, one life at a time, a legacy of civilization that transcends our individual flickers that points to a beacon for all who come after to follow.

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