Live Free, Die Texan!

Drive friendly. We recommend in packs. Easy to drive the “unfriendlys” off the road.

by Joe Janes

Governor George “Hey” Abbott of Texas has lifted all mask mandates

and is permitting restaurants and retailers to operate at 100%. 

Here are other guidelines and mandates

recently issued by the governor.

-       In response to the recent 130 vehicle car pile up, seatbelts and car seats are no longer required. If a child does not wish to be secured in a seat, they do not need to be. Clinging to the inside or outside of a vehicle while in motion is considered safe enough.

-       Bars and restaurants can operate at 100% capacity while also enforcing a two-gun minimum. 

-       No Shoes, No Shirt, Yes Service!

-       The Green New Deal causes COVID-19. The virus is airborne. Windmills cause wind. Ergo, Texans are ordered to use extra fossil fuels to reduce the number of COVID cases. 

-       Texans are encouraged to contribute their frequent flyer miles to Ted Cruz and his family so they can get back to normal and fly to Mexico until this whole global warming COVID thing blows over. 

-       People may have gatherings in their homes, but must limit them to 20 people per every 10-square feet. 

-       If you contract COVID and the nearest hospital is at capacity, don’t be a baby about it.

-       Liberals hate Texas. We must do everything in our power to “own” them. 

-       A trillion dollars has been set aside to implement a new program that allows every single Texan to be featured singing the national anthem before a sporting event, regardless of singing ability. This is mandatory. 

-       Kneeling has been outlawed. Period. The only exceptions are religious services, wedding proposals, and shoe salesmen. 

These measures will firmly cement Texas as the state

that’s not oppressive like some other states

(ahem, Florida.)

Governor Abbott reminds Texans they are free to contract any disease they want within their borders.