The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | President’s Council on Fitness New Guidelines
The arrows will be replaced with golf clubs and the olive branch will be replaced by an Olive Garden breadstick.
The President’s Council on Sports, Fitness & Nutrition
U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services
200 Independence Avenue, SW
Washington, D.C.
February 12, 2020 8:30am
Attendance: Co-Chair Misty May-Treanor, Co-Chair Mariano Rivera,
and Acting Executive Director Kristina Harder
Misty – Well, everyone has seen the president’s new proposed budget. We already don’t have much of a budget and the president wants to cut what we get in half.
Mariano – In half? How does he expect us to fulfill our mission to increase sports participation among youth of all backgrounds and abilities and to promote healthy and active lifestyles for all Americans.
Kristina – Wow, you really are in touch with our mission, Mariano.
Misty – Well, I did receive a perfect phone call from President Trump. He claims he is already doing a better job than us at promoting an active lifestyle. He’s the busiest president ever in history—he does a lot of golfing, standing at podiums, shifting in his seat, tweeting. You know, thumb work. However, he is willing to keep our current budget.
Mariano – Sounds like there are some strings attached.
Misty – There are. He wants us to adjust our recommendations. If we do, we’ll retain our budget and still be able to “encourage” children and adults to lead, well, an active lifestyle.
Mariano – What are his recommendations?
Misty – We can recommend walking as a form of exercise, but that we issue a warning that too much walking can lead to bone spurs and that driving a golf cart is a viable and equal form of activity.
Mariano – How is a golf cart exercise?
Misty – Well, that’s where we have to be creative. Steering does work the arms. And using the pedal can stretch out one’s calf muscles.
Kristina – On one side.
Mariano – It isn’t even close to exercise if you are using a golf cart.
Misty – Well, you know, there’s also the aerobic effectiveness of swinging a club once in a while… We also need to recommend golf as the best form of exercise. He referred to it as America’s Number One sport.
Kristina – Well, this is horrible, but I can live with it if we can still recommend a healthy diet.
Misty – We can recommend a healthy diet. As long as it is burger, fires, and Diet Coke. You know, meat, carbohydrates, lettuce, tomato, onion, potatoes, a liquid for hydration. Occasionally, fried chicken.
Mariano - As a substitute for the burger?
Misty – No. To be added on. A burger and fried chicken.
Kristina – No pizza?
Misty – Actually, yeah, no pizza. He said it was too difficult to eat. Needs a knife and fork and he doesn’t endorse giving children access to sharp objects. Just guns. At the discretion of their parents.
Kristy – What about the School Breakfast Program?
Misty – Gone. No matter what we do. Kids can have a Diet Coke. That’s it. Gives them energy and keeps their weight in check.
Kristy – Wow. Do we have to change anything else?
Misty - Just a little. Currently. under exercise, we recommend that adults, at a minimum, do a moderate-intensity workout 2.5 hours a week. He wants it reduced for his friends. He thinks 2.5 hours is excessive. He suggests his friends only do one hour or, ideally, none at all, but everyone tells them they look great. Regardless.
Kristina – He really said that.
Misty – No. That was AG William Barr. He called right after Trump did.
Mariano – So, we make these changes, and we set up President Trump as a prime example of health.
Misty – Yes. He also says we can use a picture of him golfing on our home page and he wants to add Donald, Junior to our council because he’s, quote, one of the healthiest persons he knows who does a lot of sports, like shooting endangered animals. Unquote.
(silence)
Mariano – I resign.
Kristina – Me, too.
Misty – Okay. See you at the gym.
The healthiest president to ever take office wants you to be as fit as he is.