Chris Churchill Saves the World | Parables for Terrible Times
By Chris Churchill
There once was a kid running home from school, trying to get to the safety and comfort of his home toilet. He realized he wouldn’t make it. A glowing orb granted him permission to shit on the ground.
“Sometimes, when all else has failed you and you have to shit on the ground, remember, it’ll rain eventually."
The same glowing orb then told the young man, “Make sure you have a backup best friend in case you murder the first one.“ The light of wisdom surrounded the young man and a nearby stray tabby. The tabby died. This was orblight for humans, tabby.
The orb then directed the young man’s attention to a plume of smoke spewing out from a barbecue pit. Speaking unto him, it said, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Unless it’s just smoke.” The young man nodded, assuming that would convince the orb that he was listening.
The young man then asked the orb for a Vess Cream Soda, a product which is not really sold everywhere. Realizing that there was no Vess Cream Soda in this state, the orb spake verily unto the young man, saying, “Sometimes, where there’s smoke there’s a firefighter with a hose. So if you’re thirsty, walk toward the fire.”
The young man blinked and awakened mid stride on a distant, white sand beach. He turned to see the orb, which was wearing cool sunglasses and spake unto the orb, “God gives us all talents to use. He also gives us our very short tempers with which to destroy our lives. God is weird.” The orb nodded. It’s difficult to know when an orb nods. It’s a sphere, you know. It still looks the same in any position. Luckily, that day, the orb was wearing sunglasses, which dipped during the nod and indicated that the orb had nodded. The orb then said, “It’s best for humans to just shut up some times.” Understanding this in his heart, the young man once again felt the urge to poop. This urge did miraculously pass.
The orb said, “Gotcha.” and laughed at him. The young man, realizing the orb had fooled him, in his mind, into believing he had to poop when he had already pooped, shook his head in reverent misunderstanding.
After a week, the orb said, “God isn’t dead. He’s just weird.”
“I gathered that,” said the young man, now oldered by one week. “I have been oldered by one period of time and am therefore now wise, so listen up verily!
“You can’t afford to eat healthy when you’re starving.
“You can’t afford to be picky when you’re lonely.
“You can’t afford to breath oxygen when your underwater.
“You can’t afford to swim when you’re eating.”
The orb turned on his headset mic and spake unto the crowd:
“The sound of one man arguing.”
The young man was ashamed.
The orb took the young man by the hand, dropped him near his own refrigerator in his own home and commanded him, “Be like Kool-Aid. Because Kool-Aid tastes better than water.”
The orb nodded, satisfied with itself. Then it called a radio psychologist and proclaimed, “If a poor man requests your council, tell him therapy is for rich people.”
The orb then disappeared, disappointed that I never once capitalized his name during this entire story.
The young man realized the greatest lesson of all, and realizing it, spake it to a three year old hobo in his living room:
“Love is the strongest force in the universe. Well... This universe. Other universes, it’s tartar control Crest.”