The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Department of Labor Emergency Meeting
Department of Labor Emergency Meeting
Wednesday July 10, 2019 9:30am
The Secretary of Labor’s Office
Attendance: Secretary Acosta, various staff
Acosta – Thank you for meeting with me today. As you can imagine, if you read the “news,” we have some things to discuss.
Tiffany – Are you resigning?
Acosta – Oh, heck, no. I’ve submitted a budget that cuts our funds by 80%. I will continue to fight for that. Who in the history of submitting budgets cuts their own budget by 80%? The 20% that’s left pays my salary and allows for you all to get paid just enough to have to stay, but not enough to do your job well.
Bambi – Cutting our budget that much will really hinder our ability to pursue accusations of sex trafficking.
Acosta – Time to tighten our belt. I can’t walk around with my pants undone all the time.
Cinnamon – You’d trip.
Acosta – I would trip. You’re right. I think we can also be helpful in other ways. “Sex trafficking” is such a vague, yet dirty term.
Cherry – It makes me think of cars. Well, sex in cars.
Acosta – Exactly, it’s confusing. They don’t all have sex in cars. Often, they are in airplanes or hotel rooms or mansions or resorts in Florida. I suggest we no longer call it “sex trafficking.” Let’s call it “Human Empowerment Movements.”
Chastity – I like that. If I knew that being held captive and forced to have sex with people was actually empowering, I’d be a much stronger woman.
Acosta – Our job at the Labor Department is to protect the vulnerable. The brave rich white men that are working hard to keep you employed. These men let you massage them or whatever your marketable skill is, regardless of your age. With us on the job, these men won’t have to worry about legal consent or slavery laws being misinterpreted.
Pumpkin Spice – How does one misinterpret slavery?
Acosta – Well, most “empowered humans” get free room and board and a job. Doesn’t sound like slavery to me. I also don’t think we should discriminate because of age, either. If a young woman, who matures faster than a male, by the way, wants to work in our country and she has the credentials…
Sugar – Credentials?
Acosta – You know, all of her “thinking” is in all the right places. And she’s a go-getter. I’m saying, we have an obligation to help this young woman fulfill her potential. These young women are doing incredible work. I mean, look at me. This face isn’t going to get me laid on its own.
Tiffany – Okay, well, in my opinion—
Acosta – Ha, ha, ha!!!!!! You misunderstand. Tiffany, is it? I’m not asking you about any of this. I’m telling you.
Sugar – Will you ever let us go back to using our real names?
Acosta – Not until you age out of your current positions and we have to send you back to your country of origin. Now, go ahead and get ready to greet other cabinet members and politicians who might want to spend some quality time with you.