Happy National  Active Shooter Drill  Day!

Happy National Active Shooter Drill Day!

By Stephanie McCullough

“TRIGGER” WARNING LOL

Reminder to our Employees…

This coming Tuesday is our National Active Shooter Drill Holiday! 

We’ve got SO many fun and informative activities planned for this year’s ASD Day!  

Here’s just a few reminders about your participation:

  • Wear your most awkward shoes, No cheating! As you practice urgently but orderly running from the sound of rapid gunfire, practice in those high heels you might be wearing the day it happens. Or better yet, prepare to feel what it’s like to run barefoot through our office hallways and our dirty fire exits.  

  • Bathrooms will be used for drill-purposes only; no private use. If you need to go to the bathroom during National ASD Day, just remember there will be groups of people rotating in protective huddles through our bathroom stalls and there will be no privacy.   

  • Extra layers of clothes will not be permitted! We learned last year of some ingenious employees who wore several extra layers of clothes on ASD day. You may be trying to avoid the pain and bruising from the pellet-gun assassination-simulation part of the day, but you’re doing yourself more harm by not giving yourself the full experience. Unless you plan on wearing four layers of shirts to work all year round, it’s counterproductive to our Nation’s focus for preparing you on this day.

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Now for the fun stuff!  

We’ve based our company’s ASD day activities after the Government’s National Guidelines & Requirements, but with a fun added twist of our own!

8:30 a.m. — Caffeine* Boost Breakfast!**  

Sarah will be bringing her dark-caffeinated muffins again this year (yum!) and Jerry will be ordering those donuts from Stans w/ the extra mocha-caffeine Icing. Our regular coffee options will also be available.

*The Government Guidelines state that everyone must drink or ingest a minimum of 1000 mg of caffeine on this day to best simulate the physiology of heart-racing as we tackle today’s Active Shooter Drill activities. No skimping on those muffins! 

**Waivers releasing our company from any lawsuit against potential harm from today’s activities will be signed & collected**

9–10 a.m. — Session: Getting your legal stuff in order!

Jenkins from IT will again be walking everyone through how to set-up, compose, and digitally sign an official last-will and testament through your phone! In less than 4 minutes your online last-will doc will be legal and validated by the courts, taking one less worry off your family and loved ones. If you haven’t already, you can download the rocket-lawyer app on your phone before the session. But leave the “last will” section blank, Jenkins will walk us through how to complete it on your phone while your hands are shaking frantically.

10:15–11:30 a.m. — Smoke & Bullets Immersion Session

Stan and his team have gone the extra mile this year and rented a deluxe stereo sound system & smoke machine!   This year we will get to have our ears ringing and a near-deafness-experience from a larger variety of assault rifle-type machines and their gun-fire sounds.  I’ve reserved conference room #3 this time for its better echo & louder acoustics.  

Please don’t touch the stereo equipment unless you are authorized.  It is not a toy.

Reminder *no earplugs permitted* and people with glasses will be asked to remove them to best simulate confusion.

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11:30 a.m.–12:30 p.m. — Hardy ASD Day Lunch & Treats 

Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell have promised to bring back their super taste target-practice cupcakes! Please also send an email to HR if you require gluten-free, nut-free and vegetarian options.

12:30–2:30 p.m. —  RUN. HIDE. FIGHT.

We will practice evacuating at the nearest exit without trampling on anyone and how to leave all your belongings behind. There will be check-points set up along the route to see if anyone cheated and went back for their personal belongings.

For the HIDING Portion, this year, we are adding a team competition and speed race for silencing phones, locking doors & barricading entries. The team with the fastest, most barricaded room will win dinner gift certificates to Chilis! (Thank you Sarahs’ Aunt Teresa!)

This year we are not permitting people to opt-out of the FIGHT portion regardless of their physical conditions. The chair, table, and printer-throwing activities is something everyone is now required to participate in.

2:45–3:30 p.m. — Bullet Impact Simulation

Reminder again, people will not be permitted to hide protective clothing for this session. We will line people up in random groupings, so no coupling up with a preferred work partner.

Surprise! The rubber bullets have arrived early and Connor was able to get our company insignia imprinted on them! You can take as many company rubber bullets home as you’d like for keepsake after today.

Everyone is released after 3:30 p.m.! We will be handing out the “I Practiced Getting Shot” buttons and wrist bands at 3:30 for you to wear home. Remember to keep yours for at least 3 weeks as the record of your participation gets processed with the government’s NRA division. There is a $300 fine and a required weekend active shooter & hostage class if you don’t complete this day.

Get ready for a fun, bonding and informative time together!  

Remember our National ASD Text Guidelines:

  • 9-1-1 — always call this number first!

  • PFM — “Pray For Me.” A good one to use for your Church group text chains.

  • TMILH — “Tell mom I love her.”  You can also replace ‘M’ with ‘D’ for Dad

  • KMD4M — “Kiss my dog for me.” You can also replace ‘C’ for Cat or the generic ‘P’ for pet.

  • ITYTGWC (Employee Name) — “I told you this guy was crazy” followed by the name of the employee who is carrying out the mass murders. This can be a helpful text for our law enforcement in their investigations afterwards.

  • IARTM3IP — “I am ready to meet my maker in peace” for those who wish to assure their loved ones of spiritual faith that their death was not in vain.

  • RIASINBAIFBNFAIBID — “Religion is a sham, I never believed and I feel better now finally admitting it before I die” for those who wish to release themselves of this final burden before their demise.

  • IAAHWASM — “I am alone here will anyone save me” use this text when you think none of your co-workers have survived and the murderer remains in the building.

I Believe… [Cosplayer is an Identity, Too]

I Believe… [Cosplayer is an Identity, Too]

The World Is Now Your Therapist, So Have a Cheeseburger

The World Is Now Your Therapist, So Have a Cheeseburger