American Shithole #53 | The Mueller Colbert Report
By Eric Wilson
The Mueller Report dropped with an audibly unsatisfying thud on Friday, and this past Sunday a nation of exhausted, decent Americans seemingly raised the white flag.
After waiting two fucking years, only to receive an appallingly short whitewashed summary of the report from the Trump appointed (clearly partisan) Attorney General William Barr; and you just give up?
I didn’t fare much better — I spent the weekend in the fetal position curled up in the bathroom.
“You coming down for family time?” Ari shouted from the bottom of the stairs, Sunday evening.
“Nope. I live in here now,” I called out from behind the door, voice muffled in the fan. “Cancel all my appointments,” I added.
“You don’t have any…” I heard Ari say, trailing off on her way to the kitchen.
I figure, if actual evidence of obstruction — on fucking camera, for the world to see — of Trump admitting he fired FBI director James Comey specifically because the Bureau had opened an investigation into the Trump administration’s potential collusion with the Russians wasn’t enough to indict, I am clueless as to what else would be required.
“Well, that is obstruction of justice right there, right on camera, right there; see?” shouted Sane America.
“Yeah, we’re going to need more than that,” the DOJ replied, after two years of absolute mayhem.
Color me, unimpressed.
With the dreadful weekend behind me, I was thankful to finally get out of the house and spend this past Monday night among friends — surrounded by like-minded liberals celebrating the arts was just the salve I needed; especially after listening to the vast majority of Democrats and talking heads throw in the towel this weekend, one after the other.
Don Hall had gathered his clan and I mine, and together we enjoyed an evening of complete sentences from local Vegas writers and artists; all coming together to celebrate the pioneering media entrepreneur and philanthropist, James E. Rogers.
I was particularly impressed with the featured speaker, Amanda Fortini, a spring 2019 Shearing Fellow at the Black Mountain Institute.
A good time was had by (H)all.
Later, as I patiently waited for the blessed gift of unconsciousness, I watched the Daily Show in fucking disgust, as a brilliant and talented young man from South Africa preached to the American Left that apologizing to Trump was our fucking duty.
Screw you, Trevor Noah — don’t you dare take that tack; your shit show is dead to me!
You’re totes adorbs though.
Okay, I’m over it, Trevor. (I’m sure that’s a weight off your shoulders, big guy). I forgive you; your smile is just too infectious. (Also, more Ron Wood, Jr., please; that man is pure comedy gold.)
It’s been a rough week for progressives, mostly because fucking democrats can’t wait to fall on their fucking swords at any given opportunity. Hey, democrats, a bit of advice: before you Seppuku, how about we see the actual Mueller Report first?
No one has seen the fucking thing. It will be weeks — we are told by Trump appointed Attorney General William Barr — before anyone else in the country might actually see the fucking thing.
And yet, nearly every fucking democrat and left-leaning talking head went on camera this past week with their fucking hats and bowls in hand.
Every one of them… except Stephen Colbert.
Stephen, Stephen, Stephen! I love me some Colbert today!
Thank you for the perspective, Stephen. Thank you for the world-class performance on Monday night. Was that five or six rounds of applause during your monologue? Wow!
I can’t remember ever seeing anything like it on late-night television — it managed to empart a complete 180 on my shit mood.
Did you catch it, dear reader? Please take the time to enjoy sixteen minutes of monologue brilliance.
I can’t remember ever seeing a late-night talk show host get a response like that during a monologue. Those were genuine applause breaks — each more appreciative than the next — with what I can only imagine to be surprise and joy with each layered reveal.
To everyone at the Late Show — that was masterful!
As far as the Mueller Report is concerned, I’ll have an opinion on it when I’ve actually read the entire report myself; until then, I know obstruction when I see it live on television, and so does everyone else.
As it stands, we have a vote in the house — 420 to 0 — to release the report.
Please consider the magnitude of that vote from House republicans and democrats combined, in unity, when absolutely nothing unifies this country in these trying times.
Four hundred twenty to zilch. Nada. Zero.
Mitch McConnell however — filthy, duplicitous, traitorous, turtle-necked motherfucker that he is — has blocked that resolution from coming to a vote in the Senate.
(Update: McConnell has now blocked it twice this week, with Rand Paul also blocking the resolution unless he gets dirt on Obama. Jesus fucking Christ, these people.)
Attorney General William Barr (who was tapped for the job no sane person in this country would take) took the position because he believes that the President of the United States of America is above the law. Still, he insists that he will release the report to Congress in the coming weeks — a report that according to the president, exonerates him completely.
Again, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Which I won’t, and neither will you — because this is a carrot in front of the donkey.
Barr is hoping to offer a delay just long enough for interest to wane, but not too long as to cause instant outrage. The “weeks instead of months” announced this week, will turn into “months instead of years,” mark my words.
The President, Bill Barr, and Mitch McConnell have no intention of ever allowing this report to go public.
Here’s what I think is likely to happen:
We are going to go a month or two without anyone seeing the Mueller Report, and by that time we will invariably have suffered through at least one more mass shooting, one more global crisis, more dead brown kids in concentration camps at our border, a handful of other minor atrocities, a renewed healthcare fight, as well as the death-by-a-million papercuts of this administration’s obstructionist united front — and we will have moved on.
Oh, and the President immediately calling for an end to the Affordable Care Act? That was not a gift to democrats as so many are reporting and opining. He is throwing particularly tasty chum in the water to get the fucking sharks still circling his administration away from the real meat.
We will never get the Mueller Report in its entirety.
The Washington wind whispers a message for all Americans: “Give up.”
To which I whisper in reply, “fuck you.”
As Clarence Darrow once said, “Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.”
Sure, it appears with increasing clarity that Climate Change will be the end of humanity, and this administration will likely be the end of America as we once knew it, but I believe that the dream of the United States — the dream of a country that fairly and equally represents all cultures and peoples of the world — that is a lost cause worth fighting for.