The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | My Emotional Support Alligator
Author’s Note: I thought the idea of an emotional support alligator was funny. Then I found out this man actually has one. Who’s laughing now? I think the alligator is.
Chicago O’Hare International Airport
TSA Holding Room
8:47am December 4, 2019
Attendance: TSA Agent Roger, Freddy Hutchinson,
Nick the Alligator
TSA – Sir, we had to pull you aside because we have concerns about your ESA.
Freddy – What’s an ESA?
TSA – Emotional Support Animal. Which is what you claim this is.
Freddy – Please don’t talk like he can’t hear. He’s very sensitive.
TSA – My apologies. I just need proof that this is a—um, you are, Mr. Alligator—a service animal, and that you, Mr. Hutchinson, are disabled and need such an animal.
Freddy – Nick is new. This is his first flight, right, Nick? He’s a replacement ESA, or whatever you call them.
TSA – So, you have flown with alligators before on passenger airplanes.
Freddy – Oh, no. Nick’s my first gator. My last emotional support creature was a shark.
TSA – A man-eating shark?
Freddy – That’s racist. Are you trying to profile my shark who is not even here to defend himself?
TSA – No, Sir. Just trying to be clear. You travelled on passenger airplanes with a shark.
Freddy – Yes. Just once. Unfortunately, he died. Sharks can live out of water for about an hour. I didn’t allow for time going through security. I kept asking the stewardess for water and he would only bring me a small cup at a time. And the cups had too much ice in them, too. I filed a lawsuit. My lawyers are working out a settlement with United Airlines.
TSA – What exactly is your disability?
Freddy – I am afraid of flying. But when I have an alligator or shark at my feet on in my lap, I ain’t afraid of nothing.
TSA – I see. Most people tend to choose smaller, well, fuzzier animals for comfort when they travel.
Freddy – Nick may not be fuzzy, but look at those eyes. They are full of love and support.
TSA – Yes, I can see that. I have concerns that Nick, as full of love and support as he is for you, might, well, eat another person on the plane.
Freddy – You’re doing that profiling thing, again. You think alligators are X, so, of course, they’re going to do X. That’s just not fair.
TSA – Has Nick eaten?
Freddy – That’s something that most closed-minded people don’t know about alligators. They only gnosh once a week. He ate a big ol’ turkey on Thanksgiving. He’s good. They store food in their tails.
TSA – Like a camel stores fat.
Freddy – More like an alligator stores sandwiches. He loves PB&Js. Don’t you, Nick. Look at that smile. Point is, he’s not going to eat anyone. He’ll only bite someone if he thinks they’re bothering me.
TSA – Has he ever bitten someone who he thought was bothering you, but turns out they were only just, I don’t know, handing you a drink or asking you to buckle your seatbelt?
Freddy – Nick has learned from his mistakes. He’s ready for this. And I’ll be there for him.
TSA – What’s the purpose of your trip?
Freddy – Taking Nick to visit his family down in Florida. The trip’s not really for me. I guess you could say I am his ESH.
TSA – Okay, Mr. Hutchinson. Nick has been, I mean, Nick, you have been quite amicable in this meeting. If this is how you will be on the flight, I see no reason to keep you from boarding.
Freddy – Thank you so much. This means a lot to me and my friend.
(Freddy and the TSA Agent awkwardly shake hands.)
TSA – Oh. Sorry. I didn’t notice.
Freddy – Nick likes to snack on fingers, too.
A cuddly shark on an appropriately armless mannequin.