Hook Me Up

Hook Me Up

By Lauren Huffman

They say meeting through friends is a good way to meet someone worth dating. So, I started telling everyone I know I'm looking for a relationship. My boss, my co workers, my dry cleaner. I want everyone to know I am on the hunt and looking for something serious, so they can send me their cute and eligible guys.

And it worked. My dry cleaner, Helen, had someone for me. She said he was cute, responsible and has a job! Done. We had a date set up that Sunday.

We decided to meet at Starbucks. I got there a bit early to do some work. The door behind  me opened and with it an overwhelming waft of Paco Rabanne cologne took the place of burnt coffee bean aroma. Before I turned around, I knew it was him.

Espresso or cologne?  

Espresso or cologne?  

He introduced himself as Boris and asked if he could get me something. I declined as I was already drinking a tea. With his double espresso in hand, he sat across the table from me. At least, I think he was drinking espresso, my nose can only hold one scent at a time. 

"So, what do you do?" I asked.

"I am in secret service. I guard politicians when in Chicago." Boris said through broken english.

"Oh, that's cool, how..."

"I am strong man who enjoys being man." He interrupts. "I have three children, aged 33, 29 and 28."

"Oh  nice, your oldest and me are the same age." I said over-enthusiastically as to hide my annoyance. This is clearly not a match and a waste of time.

"How you know Helen?" He asked me.

"She is my dry cleaner. How do you know her?"

"Also she is my dry cleaner. Do you know dead son?'

"Her son died? Ugh thats awful. No, I didn't know that."

"Yeah, he was fucking a black chick and his heart couldn't handle it and stopped."


"I kidding. He had heart attack for other reason." He said.

"That is very sad. I have to finish up here and go to yoga." I lied, not even trying to fake enthusiasm anymore.

"OK, we talk soon."

"No, we won't." I said and walked out the door.

I am back on Match.com.

My 600-pound Bowl of Cheesy Fear

My 600-pound Bowl of Cheesy Fear

Required Watching: "The Galapagos Affair: Satan Comes To Eden"

Required Watching: "The Galapagos Affair: Satan Comes To Eden"