Don't Fear The Rooster

By Chris Churchill

This is a picture of a rooster.

“We clay people are very concerned about this rooster.”

Above is a rooster. I don’t know how he got here. One morning, I woke up and looked at my desktop and there was a rooster there. Later, my wife told me that she put it there because she thought it was a great picture that I would enjoy. Maybe it’s because we love birds. Maybe it’s because the look on that bird’s face is the “Inner Chicken” for both my wife and I.

But that’s not the important part. The important part is that these little clay people are terrified.

“Aren’t you terrified about that rooster?”

“No. I am brave! Brave at all times!”

That dude on the right with the yellow hat on — that’s Captain Yellow Hat. They say the color of their hats is about gold and treasure, on Earth as well as stored up in heaven. Yellow also could mean that they’re scared. That’s what I heard. The dude on the left. He doesn’t have a hat. He also doesn’t have blue pants. I’m not gonna lie; sometimes the yellow hats judge him for that. Yet he eagerly awaits the command of Captain Yellow Hat.

“Everyone! If I may have your attention. I have been told by a very reliable, important, Yellow Hat, that we have Rooster. That is correct. We have Rooster!”

Oh my gosh! Rooster will destroy us all! Rooster! Do you hear me?! Roosterrrr!!

“My entire family was inconvenienced by Rooster once. We must remove Rooster from this Literate Ape article.”

“Look at that cool Rooster,” says I, the writer of this piece. I wish it could talk. It would tell me about how great it is to get up at 4:30 in the morning and scream at the world. I feel ya, Rooster. Only, I usually wait until about 9:30.

Rooster is all like, “Hey! You got some corn?” And I’m like, “Yeah. I don’t eat it. I’m keto. You can have mine.”

Rooster screams. I ask if I can touch his comb. He asks me not to disrespect him. I do not ask that question again. Meanwhile:

“I have also heard that Rooster is bad! I have heard that Rooster breaks popsicle sticks in half and eats clay!”

Hi. Rooster here.

Chris Churchill is letting me say a few words in the middle of his piece. He’s aware of his Human Privilege and would like to use it to let the misunderstood use their voice.

I don’t even want to be in this article. I want to stay on Chris’ desktop where I’m comfortable. But someone put me on the top of this article and now all the other pictures are terrified of me. I truly do not wish to terrify anyone. I don’t want to eat them or break them. Seriously, I just like corn and screaming early in the morning. Sometimes, I like to stare up at the rain and choke as it runs down my throat. Or is that just an urban legend? I don’t know. I’m a rooster, not an urban legend writer! Anyway, if there is anything at all that I can do to quell your fears about my being here, or if you could possibly point me in the right direction to get off of this article, this would make me very happy. Yes. I might be prone to crow about it.

“Rooster’s word’s make me cry! I must remove my blue pants and yellow hat!”

Redeye removed from this picture.

Hi. It’s Chris again. After working hard to remove the redeye from my own picture, I have returned to this article to talk about the Rooster problem.

Someone said there was a Rooster problem. They insisted there was a Rooster problem. I didn’t think Roosters were a problem. I still don’t. That Rooster up there, he’s pretty cool. Keeps to himself mostly. Provides for his family. Eats corn. Yells at 4:30 in the morning. Just like that guy you met in that time you were in the psych ward.

Now, even though there is no rooster problem, the phrase “Rooster Problem” is bouncing around all of my clay friends’ heads. It’s a shame really. By the way, what happened to that, Captain Yellow Hat?”

“Hey! Where’s Captain Yellow Hat? The Rooster is coming! The Rooster is coming!”

“I don’t know! Maybe he’s figuring it out and he will soon deliver a message to us!”

Hi guys. Captain Yellow Hat just has a really small part in this whole thing. Were you guys afraid of pictures of roosters before he told you to be afraid of them? No?

Did he just fart in this room and then leave to watch you all respond on a remote television monitor?

What about that time he told you to be afraid of tables made of styrofoam and popsicle sticks? Look at your tables now. Best tables you ever had, I’ll bet!

Maybe don’t be scared of stuff just because someone tells you to be.

“Oh my God! He’s fucking right! Look at this styrofoam and popsicle stick table!”

“Wait. No one ever told us to be scared of these tables. What is Chris talking about?”

“What am I talking about?

“Obfuscation?

“Yeah. That must be it. How when a public figure speaks, the public reacts. Is that what the point of all this is?”

Yeah, so don’t fear the Rooster. Feed him corn and go to bed earlier.

Don’t listen to the Yellow Hats with the Blue Pants on. They are just shouting to hear themselves shout.

Don’t take my word for it. I just take pictures of clay figures and make stuff up about them.

Don’t take anyone’s word for it. Everyone is just taking pictures of clay figures and making stuff up about them.

Don’t hurt yourself trying to find any greater meaning in this piece. I just liked that picture of the rooster. Also I have a bunch of pictures of clay people I took for something else a while back.

And finally:

Everyone sounds ridiculous to the Rooster.