I Believe… [Auto Insurance is a Scam]

…that the idea of insurance is a great one but the reality of getting your parked car hit by a drunk kid in his mom's truck with scam insurance and then having to negotiate the value of your car with your own insurance company that has determined the cosmetic damage is too costly to fix so fuck it, it's a total loss, we'll settle with you for a third of the resale value of the car is not so fucking great.

Interview With The Nine Year-Old — Part II

This is another in-depth interview with my girlfriend's nine year-old daughter, Charlotte. I asked her random questions I found on the internet that are supposed to make you get to really know the person. 

This is 100% real.

Why do we dream?

Because our brains are too lazy to do work so they're just like "commercial break, yeah, there's a panda on my head. Yeah, a panda's holding balloons and it's like gotta go to a party and then it ends up raining at the party and all of a sudden a unicorn comes out and kills everyone.

America’s Distaste for Mommy’s Milk

I don’t know a lot about a lot. I’m only four months old, after all. My understanding of the world revolves around one thing: milk. I love milk. I love my mommy’s milk. Really, like there’s no form of measurement grand enough to represent how much I absolutely love my mommy’s milk. It is my breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack. I love it so much that I often drink too much of it, which makes me vomit. And when I do, I always vomit on myself so that none of that sweet, sweet goodness goes to waste. Because my mommy’s milk is so good that it not only fills my tummy with vitamins and protein, but it also helps keep my skin healthy. Incredible, right?

Yeah, my mom’s boobs are awesome.