Minding My Own Business

I watch birds fly and I wonder what that would be like. I see bees working together to get pollen and I wonder what that would be like. (By the way, I feel bad when I trap a fly in my car, because, you know, he’s never gonna find his way home.) I feel like I’d like to be a wolf or a bear. And, I also look at other groups of people, and I wonder what that would be like. That wondering about what it would be like to be them, often gives way to a jealousy about not being them. 

Letting Go of the Things We Love

Gun to head, I’d have told you I was a leg man over a boobs guy and meant it. So much so, that in my early-twenties, after talking about it for years, I finally stole a mannequin leg from a mall department store. Okay, I didn’t steal it, my friend, Chris Gallant stole it. We were walking out of Dillards (maybe it was Robinsons-May), and I was saying, again, how badly I wanted to steal one of those legs. Chris, tired of the same old talk and no action, grabbed a leg decked out in DKNY thigh-high pantyhose just before exiting through the automatic doors. We barely picked up our pace as we headed to the car.

“Here’s your fucking leg,” he said.

Interview with Ted Bundy

Brian: No Ted, theres a four-part series about you on Netflix.

Ted: Oh! That. Yeah, I saw that. It was quite something.

Brian: It doesn’t paint you in the best light.

Ted: Yeah. It was quite the hit job.

Brian: There were inaccuracies?

Ted: Yes. I wasn’t actually that crazy about Volkswagens. They made it look like I had a weird obsession with Volkswagens. I mean, I like Volkswagens fine, but they made it seem like I only would drive a Volkswagen. I’m not, like, brand loyal to Volkswagen.

American Shithole #47 | Red Fish, Blue Fish, Fuck Fish, You Fish?

But first, before they throw themselves like chum to sharks, every democrat must apologize.

Right. I can see why they’re all lining up to get it out of the way early. The hypocrisy of singling out moments of stupidity every well-meaning democrat must now say they are “sorry” for, while this criminally incompetent president sits atop a mountain of bullshit, deceit, cruelty and treachery, is likely hard for them to stomach.

It’s like comparing parking tickets to pedophilia.

Take the gloves off, Democratic Party, and start swinging like you’re fighting for your country’s life — because you are. Stop fucking Gillibrand-ing each other; stay fucking unified.

Remember the Al Franken!

Tangibility of Happiness

He always notices. No one else does. Those buttery eyes, like velvet embraces when they glance upon you. How is it possible for eyes to hold the universe? He can’t be human. He’s a man who moves with wings upon his shoulders, his feet just above the dirty ground, never soiled by the earth. And he always notices you.