Celebrating America is as Complicated as a Teenager's Birthday
In country years, at 246 years, America is just a teenager.
England clocks in at a grand old age of 2,950 years and China totters on, craving Jell-O, at nearly 4,000 years. America is just a freaking skateboard kid wearing dreadlocks in full cultural appropriation and with the very arrogance of youth.
Our 246nd birthday feels like that party a parent throws for his fourteen-year-old and is greeted with a sullen, dismissive, and wholly ungrateful response.
“Happy Birthday, America!”
“Whatever. [mutter] slavery… [mumble] fascism… [grumble] income inequality. It’s NOT FAIR! We all suck. Leave me alone! Do you know how many people that cake could FEED!”
A few years back, on the first anniversary of my epically failed third marriage, I sent her to France and joined her a bit later. France is 1,035 years old which makes it sort of slightly older than middle-aged. Paris has this sort of relaxed feel in the same way the best older people exude. The things and attitudes there are refined by revolutions, beheadings, failed wars, and just sitting there at a cafe having a cup of coffee and baguette is a great afternoon out. Light up a smoke, listen to some poetry, and leer at young women strolling along the boulevard. The comfortably dirty old man.
America has the energy of that Zoomer kid desperately seeking out the next thing to protest in order to feel like he belongs (and maybe get the number of some hot, ultra-progressive white girl with an OnlyFans and a degree in Gender Studies).
Our constitution is sort of a miracle in the history of countries. Flawed but the special thing about miracles is that they happen at all. Sure, there are a few changes that needed to be made, a few patches but with only 27 amendments to the document in 246 years, it’s still pretty solid. We could patch up the whole lifetime SCOTUS stuff, get the ERA in there, and maybe snip out the Electoral College but all in all, it ain’t bad. In fact, it’s likely the best and most readable constitution (at 4,543 words it’s like a really decent essay on Medium or SubStack) in the modern world.
Celebrating the fact that the country has managed to survive at all is a worthy goal. It’s a moody, frequently angry, irresponsible, kneejerk country. Just like a fourteen-year-old.
