Now Hiring! An Honest Amazon Job Posting

An opportunity to make this man more money than any human needs while neglecting your human needs.

written by Joe Janes

Warehouse Worker – Amazon Hiring Now!

Seasonal Warehouse

Shifts: Morning, Day, Haunting Your Sleep

Hourly pay rate: New! Up to $17.65* on select roles (none that you are eligible for) 

Become part of the dedicated team that gets orders ready for people relying on Amazon’s service. (That’s right. People RELY on us for their inflatable half-eaten donuts, retro lava lamps and personal massagers.) From flexible part-time roles to full-time set schedules with health care benefits (for others), Amazon has a variety of jobs (mostly unpleasant). Mostly doing (cripplingly repetitive) physical work in the warehouse. (In spite of wrecking your body, we have no interest in paying for health benefits. Our health “benefits” include a one-week free trial membership to X-Sports Fitness, a 10% discount card on prescription medications, and somewhat healthy snacks in the vending machines which you will not have time to purchase or consume. That’s more for the managers.) 

Find the right Amazon opportunity for you today (The one that will kill you least.). Amazon remains open as an essential business (see note about inflatable half-eaten swimming pool donuts) to serve our communities delivering critical supplies (if you have a swimming pool and then not really “critical”) directly to the doorsteps of people who need them (or hands of thieves who steal them from your front step.)

Candidates must be 18 years or older with the ability to read and speak English for safety purposes. (We are so loose on this!)

Reasons you’ll love working here: (We tell you to or lose your job) Health and safety are a top priority with all of our roles and sites. We continue to consult with medical and health experts (and lawyers), and take all recommended precautions (that we agree with) in our buildings and stores to keep people healthy. (We are committed to doing the least amount legally possible to achieve this goal.) 

• Earn more: You can expect a competitive wage and reliable paycheck when you work for Amazon. (The lower your expectation, the more pleasant your experience will be. Yes, we will pay you and we will stick to paying you a little more than others and less than you really need to survive.)

• Career development: Many (some) of our entry-level employees become leaders in operations, HR, and other areas. See where your Amazon journey can take you. (For most people, it leads to the ER.)

• Benefits: Our range of benefits can include health care starting on day one (see “can”), employee discounts, 401(k) savings plans, paid time off (unlikely) and more! Find out which benefits you'll get after you choose your role with us (the one we offer, that one or nada). 

• Stay active: You’ll be on the move for your whole shift in our fast-paced environments. (Learn to pee in a bottle strapped to your leg.)

Amazon is committed to a diverse and inclusive workplace, especially when it comes to low paying grunt work.

Basic qualifications: • High school, GED, or equivalent diploma (terminal degrees welcome!)

*The asterisks mean nothing. They are just to make you think we thought more about something than we did.  

You have to pay for your own pee bag, but you do get a discount!