by Joe Janes

 

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kenfuckyerself) has vowed to pass a new scaled-down proposal five months after the WeDontCARE Act was passed.

This exciting bill features no $1200 stimulus, nor will it pay as much as $600 a week for people on unemployment and much, much less!

 

Here are some of the AreTheyHighlights.

 

If your income is below $50k (poor and lazy according to GOP)

 

-       A “Congratulations on a Great Pandemic Response” card signed by Donald Trump with a two-dollar bill inside

-       A small bottle of hand sanitizer

-       One roll of one-ply toilet paper/paper towels (your choice how to use it)

-       A Trump2020 mask

-       A $5 off coupon for prescription medicine from CVS*

-       A coupon for a small order of fries from Chik-fil-A*

-       A COVID-19 infected fleece American flag blanket

-       *You will not receive these offers if you are collecting unemployment

  

If your income is between $50k and $150k

 

-       A Vote Trump/Pence Yard sign

 

If your income is over $150k

 

-       A China Virus Swag Bag!

-       A $100k tax credit to stimulate the economy

-       A COVID-19 vaccine Fast Pass

-       A Bible just like the one the president held up for a photo-op in front of a church he didn’t go into - gold embossed with Donald Trump’s signature on the cover

-       A bottle of Trump vodka (Putin endorsed)

-       Official “Don’t Need A Mask” Government ID

-       Free pardon with every charge of disorderly conduct or brandishing a weapon at rioters

-       Mail-in ballots for the states of your choice

-       10-minute online meet and greet with Eric Trump

-       If you vote republican, a GOP member of congress of your choice will promote your business and/or lobby interests for one year

-       If you are a democrat and make this much money, you will instead have a $100k donation made in your name to a struggling business, like Facebook, Tesla, or the NRA.