The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – McConnell’s Scaled Down Relief Bill
President Trump is excited to sign a new relief bill that eases the minds of rich people.
by Joe Janes
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kenfuckyerself) has vowed to pass a new scaled-down proposal five months after the WeDontCARE Act was passed.
This exciting bill features no $1200 stimulus, nor will it pay as much as $600 a week for people on unemployment and much, much less!
Here are some of the AreTheyHighlights.
If your income is below $50k (poor and lazy according to GOP)
- A “Congratulations on a Great Pandemic Response” card signed by Donald Trump with a two-dollar bill inside
- A small bottle of hand sanitizer
- One roll of one-ply toilet paper/paper towels (your choice how to use it)
- A Trump2020 mask
- A $5 off coupon for prescription medicine from CVS*
- A coupon for a small order of fries from Chik-fil-A*
- A COVID-19 infected fleece American flag blanket
- *You will not receive these offers if you are collecting unemployment
If your income is between $50k and $150k
- A Vote Trump/Pence Yard sign
If your income is over $150k
- A China Virus Swag Bag!
- A $100k tax credit to stimulate the economy
- A COVID-19 vaccine Fast Pass
- A Bible just like the one the president held up for a photo-op in front of a church he didn’t go into - gold embossed with Donald Trump’s signature on the cover
- A bottle of Trump vodka (Putin endorsed)
- Official “Don’t Need A Mask” Government ID
- Free pardon with every charge of disorderly conduct or brandishing a weapon at rioters
- Mail-in ballots for the states of your choice
- 10-minute online meet and greet with Eric Trump
- If you vote republican, a GOP member of congress of your choice will promote your business and/or lobby interests for one year
- If you are a democrat and make this much money, you will instead have a $100k donation made in your name to a struggling business, like Facebook, Tesla, or the NRA.
Mitch McConnell speaks into his mask as an alternative to talking out of his ass.