A Woke Warrior Walks Into a Bar…
...and orders a beer.
The bartender asks “What kind of beer do you want?”
The WW says “I’d like a beer that acknowledges the debt it owes to the marginalized peoples of America, that tastes like moral virtue, with hops organically sourced, and that the sale of said beer does not go to the capitalist monsters who proliferate the inequality 99% of the country suffers from.”
“Yeah. We don’t have any beer that matches that description.”
“Fine. Gimme a Bud Light Lime.”
…and asks the bartender if he is voting for Trump in 2020.
”Well, I do like tax cuts…”
...and orders a Manhattan.
The bartender makes the drink, slides it over. “That’ll be $7.00.”
“$7.00? I don’t have $7.00. How can you charge that much for what probably cost you $2.00?”
“It’s a bar. There is a menu and a Manhattan costs $7.00. That’s the price. You want the drink, that’s what you owe.”
“But I have a crushing student loan debt and spent the few dollars I had on an online order for a #BlackLivesMatter t-shirt to wear the next time I go into a Starbucks. Can’t you acknowledge your privilege here? Framing the narrative here while centering yourself is the height of whiteness.”
“Do you have $7.00 or do I dump the drink?”
The WW scrounges out seven crumpled one dollar bills and pushes them over. “Are at least the peanuts free?”
...and orders a Margarita.
The bartender smiles at her. “Nice sunflower tattoo. Who did your ink?”
“Who are you to objectify my body? So typical of the male gaze for you to notice my skin and comment on it as if it is yours to notice. You’re basically raping me right here in public. Be better. Do better. Resist the toxic need to assert your masculinity in a public space.”
An hour later after three more Margaritas. “Yeah! Hey, hot dude playing pool! Order me another drink and I’ll order you a BlowJob on the Beash! Bahahahahaha! I’m a feminisht and I want some dick!”
...and sidles up. He orders a beer and the bartender serves him.
“So, do you believe that the environment is fucked and we have to do something significant to save our ability to live here?”
“I do,” replies the bartender.
“And do you believe in equal pay for women?”
“How about eradicating systemic discrimination, a progressive tax for the wealthiest one percent, more stringent gun control regulations, eliminating for-profit prisons, providing increased funding to facilitate a more humane immigration process, gender-neutral bathrooms, a woman’s right to an abortion, reparations for slavery, and more thoroughly prosecuting domestic terrorism?”
“Yup. We agree on all those things.”
“Do you believe that hate speech is violence?”
“No. I believe that comparing words that offend or cause hurt feelings to actual violence diminishes the results of genuine violent acts. I think more speech is better for all of us even if it is offensive.”