The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | The Xavier Institute for Mutant Education and Outreach Meets with Disney

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | The Xavier Institute for Mutant Education and Outreach Meets with Disney

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By Joe Janes

The Xavier Institute for Mutant Education and Outreach Informational Meeting with a Disney Rep

Wednesday, March 20, 2019 9:30am – The Library

In Attendance – Dan the Disney Rep, Professor X, Magneto, Deadpool, Cyclops, Beast, Jean Grey, Storm, Wolverine (no show)

Minutes recorded via the weird hat Professor X was wearing

Dan – Welcome, um, Mutants. Is that okay to say? Or is that one of those, you know, words you guys can use with each other, but “normies” should lay off? I mean, it’s in the name of your school.

Professor X – We are all simply humans with special gifts.  

Dan – So…

Magneto – Mutants is fine. We are proud of what we are. 

Deadpool – I prefer you call me Sir Deadpool. I’m one on the few characters that doesn’t have to fake an American accent. 

Dan – Okay. Mutants. Sir Deadpool. Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice. I understand you might have some questions now that Disney has acquired 20th Century Fox Films. 

Professor X – I think the main concern— 

Deadpool – Will you be able to keep most of their movies from sucking? That’s the elephant in the room, right? My movies have been brilliant pieces of cinema, but I can’t make it through an X-Men, X-Man?, X-Human with Special Gifts? movie without a barf bag. Three barf bags. 

Magneto – Were you even invited—

Jean – He is part of the business deal. We all are.

Storm – Even The Fantastic Four?

Deadpool – Three strikes and you’re out with The Flabtastic Forms.

Dan – I want you all to know that we are going to take very good care of all your stories. Look what we have done with Star Wars—

Deadpool – You remade A New Hope and then turned Carrie Fisher into a fairy godmother who flies through space. Don’t even bring up Hand Solo

Dan – Rogue One was good. 

Deadpool – Until you killed everyone that was interesting. Why would you do that? Have you learned nothing from our movies? Who here hasn’t been killed and is now back? Show of hands?

(They all raise their hands.)

Deadpool – Bring that Rogue One crew back and set them in, I don’t know, the Star Wars Kelvin timeline. And if you’re going to have R2D2 in the movie, have him do more than be the Millennium Falcon’s Roomba. 

Dan – Well, you know, there are people who tend to those properties and what we do is give them artistic freedom. You’ll be back under Marvel’s control and you can’t tell me they haven’t done a good job.

Deadpool- Age of Ultron

Magneto – Dan. Thank you for meeting with us. Charles and I have a lot invested in this school and these people. 

Professor X – We just want to make sure we can keep operating our school and telling our stories with a high level of quality. Consistent with the Marvel brand. 

Deadpool – Yeah. Tell Venom he no longer gets movies in the Spider-Man universe without Spider-Man. 

Dan – We will do our best to produce the highest quality films for our audiences. 

Beast – You’ll even continue doing Deadpool movies? Doesn’t seem very Disney.

Deadpool – Hey, we did a G-rated Christmas movie. 

Jean Grey - PG-13.

Deadpool - You say potato, I say fucking potato, but only once.

Beast – That movie involved kidnapping, confining, and depantsing Fred Savage.

Deadpool – We did it for the kids. 

Dan – As long as Deadpool makes money, we will continue producing Deadpool films. We are a business, after all. 

Deadpool – Go ahead and make a Beast movie, maybe you go back home and save the Smurfs from the apocalypse. 

Cyclops – Can we get our own world built?

Dan – Well—

Jean Grey – You did it for Star Wars. 

Deadpool – Ripping off Harry Potter World. 

Dan – If the Star Wars world goes well—

Deadpool – You’ll build a big boring school where people can sit in the library and have Beast lecture them about coughing up blue hairballs? Boring! Build my apartment and people can take turns binking on my bed and on all the counters. And build the bar I hang out in. I can see a real “Pirates of the Caribbean” vibe happening, back when the pirates were bad guys with libidos. 

Dan – I will be happy to pass along that suggestion.

Professor X – Dan, are you just here to try to make us feel better?

Dan – You probably already know that based on that weird thing you’re wearing on your head. 

Professor X – Well, we will see how this goes. As long as we can keep our school open—

Magneto – And as long as you don’t try to curb our mutant powers.

Deadpool – And as long as I can keep swearing and drinking and screwing Morena Baccarin.

Dan – Disney is committed to keeping what works and allowing Marvel to create the films they wish to create. That’s really all I have to say. And… I brought everyone Micky Mouse ears!

(Dan pulls out a large bag full of Micky Mouse hats and passes them out. Deadpool is the only one who puts one on.)

Deadpool – I’m going to wear this the next time I get it on with movie girlfriend. 

Dan – Can I have those back?

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