American Shithole #28 — Keeping Up with the Kavanaughs
By Eric Wilson
As if it were possible for any of us not born into extreme wealth to keep up with the Kavanaughs. Or the Kardashians, or any of the world’s richest and most powerful families for that matter.
That doesn’t keep the majority of Americans from trying. (Let’s kick Urban Dictionary Week at American Shithole off early, as I too would adore some Fuck You Money right about now.) Aspiring to wealth and power is in the American DNA. Human greed is unfortunately, genetic.
We are doing ourselves a disservice worshiping at the wretched altar of avarice.
That the Trump family wealth was built on tax evasion and fraud should come as no shock for readers of the New York Times which broke the story this week, or that Donald’s terrible business acumen was a constant drain on his father’s resources.
Nothing about the billionaire class, or the millionaires that serve them in congress or the courts, should make you happy. I am thankful that finally — largely due to this loathsome administration — many Americans are coming to this realization. Everyone working themselves miserable to avoid wallowing in squalor, just so a handful of loathsome individuals can hoard all the resources, is not a sustainable economic system. Worse still, Klepto-Capitalism and the rise of the billionaire class will eventually produce the “One that rules them all.”
I don’t want to meet that monster, and neither do you.
What is the magic number that will turn the have-nots against their oppressors, I wonder? How few elites must possess the majority of power before enough of us realize that this current form of capitalism is leading us all down a road from which we cannot possibly return?
It would be different if those at the top were benevolent.
They are not.
As far as Kavanaugh is concerned, at least there has been an effort to make republican Senators play the hand. Democrats didn’t just fold and let conservatives buy the pot right out from under them, and the American people.
I would also like to commend the brave women risking everything to stop this confirmation — it is to them we owe this fighting chance we have been given.
Ana Maria Archila and Maria Gallagher, who confronted Senator Flake in the elevator, I commend you. Your voices will be remembered. Deborah Ramirez and Julie Swetnick, your willingness to step forward gave much needed support to Kavanaugh’s first accuser — the importance of which, cannot be stressed enough — and to Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, your courage will be a light for all to follow for many years to come. Your place in the Halls of American Heroes is secured.
I really don’t understand how much more of this we are supposed to swallow? The man sits high atop Mt. Privilege, awaiting his Supreme Court appointment afforded him by apparently god and birthright; then he proceeds to whine, cry, and scream about actions that should have put him behind bars a long fucking time ago.
“Boys will be boys,” some old, crusty bitches have said about drunk, teenage rapists — by the way, fuck you, conservative white women over 50. Seriously, fuck you. I want a new world order where you get assaulted at bridge club by wandering donkeys fed solely on Viagra.
Hey, donkeys on Viagra will be donkeys, you crusty fucking bitches.
The last time I checked, sexual assault is a serious crime — a record for which would keep most Americans from getting a job as a fucking barista. If his pusillanimous whining and sputtering rage and crocodile tears shed about a crime he committed somehow isn’t enough to disqualify him (it is), the fucking 29 times (and counting) he lied to congress, the FBI, the media, and others, are.
Kavanaugh cried that his life was ruined, and if he weren’t confirmed, he would never be able to get a job again, or even coach. (In his opening statement to congress he exclaimed “I love coaching more than anything I’ve ever done in my whole life.”)
Your life isn’t ruined, you silver-spooned schmuck, you just don’t get the job you are woefully underqualified for — it happens to the rest of us, every day in America.
So, not wanting to appear partisan, and in an effort to lend a helping hand across the aisle, American Shithole has managed to secure five paid positions that Brett Kavanaugh will be uniquely qualified for, if indeed sanity prevails.
1. Eye Contact Coach, Devil’s Triangle Olympic Team
2. Law Columnist, Single Dad Magazine
3. Celebrity Hair Holder, MTV’s Beach Week Ralph Club
4. Keg Boy, VH-1’s 100 Kegs or Bust
5. Rimmer’s Apprentice, the Boofing Emporium
Bonus lifetime position: Official Cautionary Tale, Yale Law & American Bar Association
It would seem that the days of smoke-filled, back-room politicking has ended. This sickening display of abhorrent and often times clueless behavior from republican Senators is playing out for the entire world to see. The vote will happen, the vote will be down party lines, and Kavanaugh will be our next Supreme Court Justice, shaping American life for the better part of a century.
If the best SNL Cold Open to date is any indication, at least comedy in the time of Trump may have finally found access to the zeitgeist. The quality of the political cartoons has never been better, either.
All artifice has been dropped by what is left of the GOP. The message from McConnell is simple — we don’t care that you know what we’re doing.
The question for the rest of us now, is what are we willing to do to stop them?