NSFW - Toyota Defends Funding Republican Lawmakers (Rough Draft)
Don’t grab the bull by the horns if you want 58 mpg City/53 mpg Highway.
by Joe Janes
Before they released that statement, they had to clean up the rough draft (see below).
What’s up, Motherfuckers!
Yep. Busted! The gotcha media noticed in public records that we gave money to most of the republicans who voted against democracy on January 6th. Not all of them! Even we think Marjorie Taylor Green’s brain is too full of mushy bananas, rusty nails and dead spiders to take seriously. Chill the fuck out, yo. Those same politicians made, make, or will make many other decisions we do agree with. Did bae make you spaghetti for dinner when she knows your favorite noodle is linguine? Boo-hoo! Are you going to divorce that bitch? Smack her up? You should, but probably not.
Why are you so fucking surprised by our actions? Our most popular car is a HYBRID! It guzzles down gas and farts out electricity. It’s the best of both worlds. Just like our spending! We’re bi-political. See? We’re LBGTQXYZwhatever. We play both sides of the fence cuz that’s where we like to place our battery-powered nut sack.
The total amount of the donations to 37 congress peeps was only $55,000. That doesn’t even cover the salary of one factory worker at one of our non-union plants for one and a half years! BTW, why aren’t you bitching at us for being non-union? $50k is less than peanuts for us. We spent that at lunch today just for the suits. We ordered from Chipotle AND Chik-fil-A! Sure, Chik-fil-A don’t like the gays like we do, but they make great chicken sandwiches. Again, we don’t have to like EVERYTHING somebody does to support the parts we do like.
What are you going to do? Stop driving your precious Lexus? Good idea. You can always drive an all-American car, like a Tesla. Make sure you have the right attachment for charging it up. You’ll need a douche nozzle! If you get the self-driving kind, make sure it doesn’t run your ass over in the driveway like some renegade robot from West World that you would also think about fucking.
Still want a new car, big baby? Scrape the NPROBAMACOEXIST bumper sticker off your Prius and bring it to the Toyota-thon! Maybe I can interest you in a new set of wheels with our new 2021 Toyota WHAA! WHAA! It’s a hybrid car that runs on fossil fuels and liberal tears. You won’t run out of either cuz we’re still going to give our money to climate change denying democracy hating assholes.
America, Bitches!
Toyota
Maybe this is your new car. Let 78 year-old Joe Biden push you around.