He sees a Luke Skywalker figurine on the shelf behind him and he moves it to the floor.

Sean and Ellen met on Bumble. Their first date was a standard drink at a bar in Roscoe Village. The date lasted three hours and the conversation flowed well.

Their second date was for dinner. The night went well but then, the bill came.

You date like you're running a hedge fund, always keeping some women on the side just in case your current main squeeze doesn't work out, is busy or out of town, or pisses you off…

As her heritage suggests, she was a strict mother during my teen years. Like a ninja figuring out a booby trap, I had to figure out how to navigate her stringent parental skills. My abilities peaked when it came to dating.

Dating the wrong person can bring out the worst in anyone. For me, this person's name was Jerry. And my crappy behavior is 100 percent my fault. He was nothing short of a gentleman. Which is probably why I had such a distaste for him.

There are certain things you shouldn't do without asking first or negotiating beforehand. And you shouldn't get all pissy if you're denied. These include, but are not limited to, the following:

• pissing on my face
• ass to vagina or ass to mouth
• verbal abuse (Though the usual dirty talk is okay and even preferred)
• anything that breaks or significantly marks the skin (Although, I get a kick out of having to cover hickeys with concealer before I go to work the next day. Makes me feel like a teenager.)

I always thought relationships were just nuisances. My first boyfriend was annoying. My second boyfriend was even more annoying.

My third boyfriend was — wait — this was something real. His name was Mike.

We were in a full blown relationship for almost a year. After his basic training his personality shifted and he started showing his true colors: a narcissistic, insecure, chauvinist. I ignored it. I held on to the beginning of our relationship, when we were obsessed with each other, having sex non stop, taking exotic vacations, talking about marriage.

I had always wondered what the descent into hell is like. For the record, it was nothing like I had imagined. The drop was unknowing. It was innocent and comforting. I felt understood. The initial plunge into Satan’s lair was my first conversation with Frank.

"Hey Laura. I have to be honest, I recognize you from the Chicago Storytellers Facebook group. I'm Aaron. It's nice to meet you," The Match.com message read.

First of all my name is Lauren, I thought you said you recognized me, and second of all I am done dating storytellers and/or comedians. They are disasters. 

I replied politely. "Hi Aaron. Actually it's Lauren not Laura. Thanks for reaching out."

This chat message was the start of a half-assed romance that lasted the hottest months of 2016.