I can’t think of more than three or four time when my parents embarrassed me. Of those, none were major infractions. The embarrassment was fleeting at best. I’m sure I’ll embarrass my son at some point. My goal is to not do anything that he’ll be ashamed of. You know, the way Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ kids will likely be ashamed of their mother. At least, I hope they will be. If they’re not then she’ll have done a great job of raising sociopaths.

In less than one week, I will show up to an office with lots of cubicles and paid time off for its employees, a Human Resources Department and company-wide team building events. This is a full-time gig. It’s a W2 kind of gig. I haven’t had a gig like this in almost seven years. And I’m looking forward to it in the way 16-year-old David looked forward to going on a date with that girl who finally showed some interest in him. And I’m an emotional goddamn wreck over the whole thing.