Life’s greatest challenge is finding the middle lane without crossing over into oncoming traffic.

My wife wants me to be more assertive in bed. So, I’ve started pushing her over while she’s asleep to claim my fair share of the bed.

Mastering disappointment is the most important skill a person can have.

I woke up angry. I always wake up angry. I eat my breakfast toast angry. I get dressed angry and put on my makeup angry. I adjust my hair angry. I reapply one of my damn press-on nails that always falls off in my sleep. Somewhere in the hill of sheets is a mountain of lost press-on nails. I don’t drink coffee or tea or juice. I don’t need a morning pick-me-up because I’m wound up from the start. Anger is my morning fuel and I love how it tastes. It makes me happy.

Usually I wouldn’t spend so much time and money on a shopping spree. I don’t usually go on shopping sprees at all. But how much do sports tickets cost? How much do poets make compared to people who play on professional sports teams? With all the people supporting sports and bars and sports bars, maybe it’s alright that I spent a little on books in bookstores. Maybe poetry needs its fans to give it some love and team spirit like those other sports get.

• There is no guarantee or promise that your children or parents will love you. There is no such thing as unconditional love. If you love your asshole dad or child, the condition is that they are your dad or kid and there’s a natural bond. But a bond doesn’t determine love.

... I picked apart a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup. The chocolate on its own, kinda sucks. The peanut butter on its own kinda sucks. Eating the chocolate and peanut butter separately is like Paul McCartney and John Lennon. They’re completely awful unless they’re together. ...