Tucker Carlson Testicle Tanning Salons

Our fruity balls need the sun.

by Joe Janes

Hello, America, the country that I love. You may have noticed that I am missing from our usual nightly get together on Fox News. The looney left will have you believe I was kicked to the curb as part of the fallout from the Dominion Voting Machine defamation lawsuit. Like me, nothing could be farther from the truth. I am pursuing the American dream. No, not the one where I own a plantation. The one where I start my own business and become a self-made billionaire. That one.

Last year, I introduced the world to testicle tanning. There’s a masculinity crisis in this country and I’m going balls-to-the-toasty-wall for men everywhere. After consulting with My Pillow’s Mike Lyndell, I’m bringing My Balls to YOU!

Tuck’s Testicle Tans will be opening from sea to shining sea soon. Look for them in your neighborhood, most likely at truck stops and near video rental stores.

There are many benefits to tanning your manly coin

-       It boosts your testosterone levels. Since I have been tanning my testicles, I’ve started to grow hair on my chest and enjoy TV shows about hunting big game. I also linger over Victoria’s Secret catalogs longer than I used to. Yes, I still get catalogs. Nothing beats the feel of a glossy tiny paper thin super model in your hands.

Okay. There’s just one benefit.

See you at Tuck’s Testicle Tans!

We also offer scrotum steam ironing to get those wrinkles out.

I prefer tanning my testicles the old fashioned way before the beach gets crowded.