Scientists Confirm Assholes Go Out Of Their Way To Make Your Life Miserable
An asshole was here.
by Joe Janes
Whether being cut off in traffic or denied trans healthcare by a state governor, scientists have concluded that, yes, indeed, assholes will go out of their way to make sure your life is miserable.
Is there enough food on this planet to feed everyone? Yes. Is there enough healthcare to take care of everyone for free? Yes. Is there enough technology available to reverse climate change? Yes. Is it possible to ensure that everyone gets a free education from preschool to university? Yes. Did that guy just leave his shopping cart in a parking space instead of returning it? You better fucking believe it!
Dr. Wilford Blume of Johns Hopkins University said, “We have spent the last five years studying the actions of assholes from the woman on the bus having a loud profanity-laced conversation on her speaker phone to Ted Cruz exisiting. One could argue that everyone, simply by the nature of being a human, is an asshole sometimes. We all have our moments. I got a little snippy with a barista just this morning. I’m not proud of it, but, come on, I can taste the difference between oat milk and almond milk. Don’t give me attitude when you can’t do your petty unskilled labor gig right. If you don’t like your job, get a new one, right?”
Blume’s study concluded that people who are assholes most of the time are primariiy driven by fear – fear of losing power, losing money, losing virility, etc. What rallies their spirits is what doctors call “making dick moves.” This could mean trying to shut down drag queens reading books in libraries, blocking free lunches for impoverished children, banning books, to continuing to bolster harmful industries like oil, coal, health insurance, and Pickleball.
What’s the solution? According to Blume, “People look at many politicians as being Uber Assholes. People like Boebert, Greene, Gaetz, Santos, Sinema, and Manchin, for example. The list is quite extensive, but they are just the symptoms. The bigger assholes are the constituents who elected them. Screening assholes at polling stations would be difficult and unconstitutional. It may take a while, but what’s really needed in this country, and the world, is a huge infusion of empathy - something politicians and certain baristas lack. We’re hoping to get into that space just before someone litters, or smokes on a train, or straps on several guns before going to the 711. We’re hoping they’ll ask themselves, ‘How will this make someone else feel? Maybe there’s something proactive I can do to make the world a better
When pressed for a concrete solution, Blume got agitated, rolled his eyes, and blurted, “Look, Moron, we’re fucked unless we just start electing dogs to government positions!”
We at The Minutes of Our Last Meeting endorse this plan.
She’s got my vote.