Questions About CDC Guidelines? We Have All the Wrong Answers

by Joe Janes

Hello,

I’m Dr. Joe Janes. I’m not a doctor. “Dr.” is short for “Dreamy”. I’m here to answer all your questions about the new CDC Guidelines and the vaccine. Doesn’t matter which vaccine. My answers are the same for all of them.

Sure, you could seek out answers from a trusted physician or read what all the “scientists” are saying at all the “smart” institutions. My information comes from a board-certified doctor that my cousin’s cousin’s cousin knows.  This doctor has a blog that he updates every constantly. I’m not going to tell you the name of the blog because then there would be no reason for you to read this. 

Let’s look at some of the questions you, my dedicated followers, have submitted. 

Does the vaccine work? – Nancy B., Nutello, Michigan

Well, Nancy, the depends on what you mean by “work”. If all you want is to not feel like an asshole around your mask-loving liberal friends, then, yes, the vaccine works. 

But, really, though. Does it work? – Travis T., Monster Truck, Indiana

Let’s look at the case of Lindsey Graham. He has been vaccinated and he is still an asshole. So, the answer is no.

Is there any advantage to wearing a mask? – Giles W., Giles, Wyoming

My wife says there is! I am just joking. I am not married. I am also handsome.  

Why does the CDC keep changing the guidelines? – Fluffer N., San Diego, California

That’s a good question, Fluffer. A real scientist or doctor or science doctor would stick to the facts. Constantly changing the guidelines keeps the populace off centered and docile. This is why they also keep shoving down our throats that the earth is round and that the sun stays in one place all the time. All I have to do is look out the window to disprove that nonsense. It’s also backed up by that blog I mentioned earlier. 

How often should I get tested? – Lumpy J., Lima, Ohio

The short answer is never. The long answer is if you are never tested, then you never had it. Okay, it’s not a much longer answer. I probably could have just said that. Without testing, you just have a cold or flu, and nobody gets to use your illness or death as a government statistic. Oh, I guess my answer was a little longer. 

Should I get vaccinated if they offer me money? – Suzy P., Treehouse, New Jersey

Yes, but get the money upfront. None of this lottery/raffle bullshit. 

I haven’t been vaccinated and neither has anyone in my family. Should I stay away from my grandparents? – Lucia M., Baton Rougue, Utah 

You walk right up to your grandparents, Lucia, and give them a great big hug while smothering their veiny jowls in kisses. No better way to find out what they bequeathed you in their will. 

Is it okay to go back to eating bats? – Eric R., Drain, Maine

It was never not okay to eat bats. But like with all forms of meat, it is best to cook it thoroughly first. I prefer my bats deep-fried and on a stick. 

Will getting the vaccine affect my wife’s period in a good way or bad way? – Theopolis D., Trampoline, Missouri 

The vaccine will invert the calendar cycle on your wife’s private parts. Instead of having a period a few days out of the month, she will only NOT have a period a few days out of the month. This is where the rich pharma companies teamed up with the feminine hygiene companies to rake in the millions. It will also make her and you infertile. You don’t even have to have had the vaccine. She will be able to pass along infertility just by glaring at you. 

Do you have a question about the new CDC guidelines? Good. 

Eat all you want.