Awkward Encounter Between Insurrectionists and the Capitol Building at Starbucks on 1/7/21 – As Imagined by the GOP

Party in the U.S.A.!

by Joe Janes

(At a Starbucks) 

Insurrectionists – Hey, that was some party yesterday. 

Capitol Building - Um, yeah.

Insurrectionists – You sure know how to throw a shindig. 

Capitol Building - I didn’t actually…

Insurrectionists – Can’t tell you when I’ve had a better time. It was fun entering through a broken window. Had to smash it in with the pole of my Trump flag.

C – We’re still cleaning up the glass.

Insurrectionists – Can’t make an omelet without laying a few eggs.  It’s not a party unless some things get broken.

Capitol Building – Or stolen.

Insurrectionists – I was there to stop a really big steal and I also got some cool stationery. Besides, is it really stolen if it’s a souvenir? Or ends up on eBay?

Capitol Building – Legally, yes. 

Insurrectionists -  You’re complaining, now, but you know you wanted it. 

Capitol Building – You erected a gallows on the front lawn. People died. 

Insurrectionists – From excitement! You know, people die every day at Disneyworld.  The Capital Building is the Pirates of the Caribbean of Washington, D.C.

Capitol Building – It is now. Those people at Disney were there when the park was open to the public. They even bought a ticket and went through security. Plus, they probably died of natural causes.

Insurrectionists – What’s more natural than unbridled patriotism? 

Capitol Building – You had too much patriotism.

Insurrectionists – No such thing.

Capitol Building – You pooped in the hallways and smeared feces on the walls.

Insurrectionists – No way. Wow. I did have a good time! Last time I did that was at my sister’s wedding. 

Capitol Building – They don’t let you do that at Disneyworld.

Insurrectionists – Not anymore. They won’t let me go near Space Mountain. I was probably leaving you a thank you note.

Capitol Building – Hard to tell. It was written in crap with bad handwriting, and I assume poor grammar and spelling.

Insurrectionists – I wanted this to be friendly, but if you’re going to slam my poopmanship, then I’m going to have to say something. You know the phrase “For the people” and “By the people”? Well, I’m the people. I have a say in how my government is run.

Capitol Building – Everyone does. It’s called voting. 

Insurrectionists – Well, I vote with my fists. When the regular way doesn’t work the way I want. The Capital Building is ours. We paid for it with our taxes. 

Capitol Building – I was built before there were taxes and most of the builders were slaves.

Insurrectionists – There you go, changing history! You’re trying to gaslight me. I tried to be nice. God bless America and God bless still President Trump!

Capitol Building – See you in court, Patriot!

Insurrectionists – It was consensual!!!

The best party guests bring their own decorations.