The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Masterpiece Cakeshop Employee Meeting
Masterpiece Cakeshop Employee Meeting
Masterpiece Cakeshop, Lakewood, Colorado
9:00am Wednesday, June 6, 2018
In Attendance: Jack Phillips, Charlotte, David, Nina, Vance
Jack: Okay! Very important day here at Masterpiece Cakeshop. Today, we start selling customized wedding cakes, again.
Charlotte: Except to gay people.
Jack: I am more than happy to sell a gay person or even a gay couple a birthday cake, a shower cake, a graduation cake, or anything else that we sell. I have not and never will refuse anyone service based on their sexual orientation.
David: You just won’t give them the thing that they want.
Jack: Not if it goes against my sincerely held religious beliefs.
Vance: Why do you hate gay people, again?
Jack: I don’t hate gay people. I just, as per my religion, don’t think they should marry. I have no problem with gay people being gay and doing lots of things that normal people do. It’s like when a monkey wears a hat and pretends to be talking and acting like a human. I think it’s cute. But I also don’t think monkeys should marry.
Charlotte: Did you just call gay people monkeys?
Jack: No! I’m not racist! I am an upstanding Christian man who loves everybody and believes in family values.
Vance: What about Hanukkah cakes or Bar Mitzvah cakes?
Jack: Those aren’t gay.
Charlotte: They’re a little gay, but mostly their Jewish.
Jack: I have no problem with the Jews.
David: They don’t believe in Jesus.
Jack: What? That’s just stupid. Jesus isn’t Santa Claus.
Vance: I don’t know. Check the birth certificate.
Jack: Well, not believing in Jesus definitely goes against my religious beliefs. Okay, so Jews can have cakes, just as long as they aren’t for Jew things. Not only will we never sell a kosher cake, I will also never, ever find out what one is.
Charlotte: Are we good with Muslims?
Jack: Terrorists? Uh, no. We are not good with terrorists.
Vance: What if a terrorist wants a cake? They fast for Ramadan, so it probably wouldn’t be for a religious event.
Jack: Well, I guess…. If they aren’t wearing a turban or hiding their face, I am more than happy to sell a Muslim-who-might-be-a-terrorist a non-Mohammed cake. I don’t care as long as it’s not a “Happy Beheading” or “Death to America” thing. I am a loving, Christian man and my cakeshop is open to everyone.
Nina: Even black people?
Jack: There aren’t any black people in Lakewood, Colorado.
Nina: You never know. Someday, a black person might stroll in here and want a black cake.
Jack: That would be great. I love black people! Tell you what, I love black people so much, we’ll set up a special section for them where they can sit. We’ll make them feel special. We’ll even put up a sign that says, “Blacks Only”. Now, get to work. We have some God-approved wedding cakes to make!