Literate ApeCast Ep. 65 — Why Do “The Woke” Bother Us So Much?

Yep. Here’s the episode you’ve been waiting for. The two middle-aged white guys hold court on all that is wrong with the Rage Profiteers of “The Woke.” David struggles with the fact that Katie thinks he is a racist misogynist, Don struggles with the fact that he used to feel he was pretty far left but it turns out he’s more centrist than he likes. Not your full-on David Brooks moment but two straight white males diving into the confusion of being a SWM in rapidly evolving times.

Plus six things to watch, read or listen to because after listening to this nonsense, you might need something substantive to refill your brain.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 64 — Comedy Is Based On Pain and Being Unattractive

We’re two weeks into 2019 and it looks an awful lot like 2018 — what gives? Today’s episode follows the apes as they discuss topics that include the rage caused by malfunctioning technology, whether or not Louis C.K. is actually “punching down” and the nature of comedy in evolving times, and is politics supposed to be so entertaining?

As always, six activities for you (lots of sedentary watching on this one) to distract you just enough during the week to pretend that your world is not burning down like a seven-pound pile of monkey shit lit on fire with the Constitution as kindling.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 63 — Did You Just Say “Cicadean Rhythms” With a Straight Face?

Happy 2019! The Chimps jump right into a search of David’s disdain for Chicago in the knowledge of Don’s leaving the place for Vegas, the fact that David really doesn’t want to be seen as “that guy with a boat,” anxious people who bake cookies to deal with it, Don’s utter dismissal of the pseudo-science behind S.A.D., and a highly offensive discussion of the recent NPR poll that indicates that a majority of Americans think P.C. culture has gone too far.

Given that you’re bored and aimless enough to sit and listen to these two rubes at all, Captain Ron and the Asshiole toss out six activities for you that may or may not fill the S.A.D. induced void you wallow in daily.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 62 — It’s a Wonderful— Fuck Me

On the cusp of a New Year, the turning of the Grand Page, the ApeCast takes a look at 2018 from a specifically personal perspective (cuz two white guys with a podcast are required to indulge in narcissism by the Laws of Man.) Topics include feeling sorry for Michael Cohen, the horrifying prospect of Don as a Life Coach, and pre-partum depression. Also, an amazing list of the Best of Literate Ape 2018. What a spectacular way to begin your New Year’s celebrations!

Then, six things to in the lead up to ringing in 2019 to avoid the anxiety of all that is unknown and the potentially democracy destroying elements lurking just around the corner.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 60 — The Episode Wherein Don Takes David Down The Dark Hole of His Navalgazing Existential Crisis

As Don begins the geological transformation from Chicago to Las Vegas, he’s looking at his life and the meaninglessness of existing in a world that keeps moving and drags David into gazing into the abyss with both a sense of hopeless regard and startling optimism. A perfect episode for the holiday season (if the holiday season fills you with anxiety and ennui…)

Plus six things to do in order to keep yourself busy and avoid the thoughts of suicide by cop you envision in the wake of more cheer than you need this month.

Don admits he was both wrong and a big asshole. Moving on from that bombshell, the GentleApes parse out the possibility that we humans are nothing more than machines with consciousness and, if so, why do children not learn to wipe that snot off of their grubby faces? Finally, a bit of YouTube frivolity (in the show notes for your viewing pleasure).

Yes, gang, the guys have six things for you to do so women will find you cool and sexy sans Axe Body Spray.

PLUS, in the show notes is a quick silent video of D&D trying to record a FaceTime call in prep of the bi-coastal ApeCast in a few months.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 58 — A Mensch On A Bench At The Impeach Boutique

David has some issues with the gentrification of Hanukkah as secular Jews keep finding ways to make it as big of a deal as Christmas. He also has a big issue with March On’s newest fundraising idea, the “Impeach Boutique” which takes the Chimps in Charge down a gravel road peppered with opportunists taking advantage of 9/11, the genius of John Waters, and the erroneous concept of being on “the right side of history.”

Plus, six things to do this week to keep your soul from shriveling like a drying dog turd on a lawn from underuse.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 57 — How Did We Survive Before The Internet?

In a Seinfeldian discussion (“What’s the deal with Black Friday?”) the gorilla your dreams get into the weeds of the question of what discounted thing would either elbow jack an old woman for in a Walmart? Also on deck is the question of what we all did before the internet, that science proves men live longer if they stare at boobs, how naked twins n a shopping cart do ‘sexy stuff,’ and David’s trials with Prince Harry’s fake remote control.

As always, six items of homework for you lost and sad souls to engage in following your turkey-induced coma.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 56 — Who’s Worse? Iron Fist Or Dazzler — A Stan Lee Nostalgia Soup

OK. Maybe it was a Blue Wave. What does that mean? The gentlemen of ape-itude also cover the legacy of Stan Lee as well as the idea that culture is a costume rather than the single defining aspect of society.

Are you devoting 45 hours a day on Faceborg? Do you spend the other six hours a day binge-drinking and working in your cubicle? Has porn made your genitals dry and used up? DH (squared) have six things to do that will help fulfill at least a few hours of your week.


Literate ApeCast Ep. 54 — Who’s More Powerful: Donald Trump, Gordon Ramsay, or Taylor Swift?

Some episodes, the Chimps In Charge are on the same page. This is not one of them. Crawling down the rabbit hole to discuss trauma, sexual assault, whether Donald Trump’s rhetoric is responsible for the rise of alt Right violence and Thanksgiving foods, this is like CrossFire if CrossFire had been comprised of two profane idiots yelling at each other.

The stuffing inside the ApeCast turkey, stuffed right up it’s ass with love, is a list of six things to watch, read, or do this week because we know your life is a sad, cubicle-rat existence devoted to handing over your life-force for health benefits and donuts on Friday.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 53 — Don Is A Piece Of Shit With The Breath Of God

With topics that include Trump’s recent attempt to rollback civil rights for transgender citizens, the scariest movies to watch this week, encounters with the strident Left and Right, and an in-depth discussion of writing styles, this is one podcast you should only miss if you’re out having some bacon!

As always, the gentle-apes offer up six things to do, watch, listen to, or read in order to demonstrate that your addiction to Faceborg and Hot Pockets hasn’t caused you to devolve into a meaningless sack of ennui.

CORRECTION: It’s joejanes.net not .com. And it starts with a www.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 52 — Silence Isn’t Complicity But You Better Call Saul For The Final Countdown

This week’s episode is all about pop culture, torture, power ballads, complicity in the horrors of modern capitalism, and Better Call Saul. The gentlemen behind the ApeCast had a ton of things to parse and not enough beer or cigarettes to keep it all in check.

Also, six things to do this week to acknowledge you aren’t simply a plant growing in your grandmother’s basement.


Literate ApeCast Ep. 49 — Bleached Balls And A Wagon Wheel Coffee Table

Holy Confessional Nonsense, Batman! David wants to get rid of his wife’s car, Don’s wife decorates the home far better than he does, David gives us his wisdom about “Titties,” and Don is quite pissed off about the Russian manspreading activist.

And because you need something other than the horrors of Washington for at least a few hours, six things the boys recommend you occupy your time with before you take a bottle of bleach and start spraying on people’s nuts.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 48 — Eating from a Dog Bowl After Yom Kippur

On the eve of Yom Kippur, David tells us about he and brother’s ritual involving baseball , fasting, and a dog bowl, Don shares his lesson from the Special Olympics, and the opportunity for personal growth, the difference between a babysitter and a nanny, and the fact that Fortnite is causing divorces all come up.

Also, the chimps throw you six things to do to keep your otherwise meaningless days filled with distraction.

Literate ApeCast Ep. 46 — “You Know I’m White People, Right?”

Idiots burning their shoes, meta-pornography, police brutality, equity politics, and the ability to talk to the most strident of our population. It was an interesting news week and the Apes certainly had things to yammer about.

Plus six things to consume that will hopefully give you enough things to talk about at work that it hides the fact that you spend most of your time playing FortNite and taking pictures of your food.