Top 6 Ways I Can Get You To Click This Link!
By Peter Kremidas
Christmas time is here again, and you know what that means. No, I’m not talking about hot floor shaking trap shit, though that is a good answer. I’m talking about clicking links on the internet.
Maybe to look through a relative’s social media for gift ideas. Maybe to purchase said gifts in an online store. Probably for porn. Maybe after the porn you realize you didn’t finish your Christmas shopping. Perhaps you resolve to finish after you take this nap real quick. Hopefully you wake up eventually. Perchance you take another tall drink of porn through your hungry eyeballs because you’re a human fuckbeast who possesses a body genetically engineered with steel determination to reproduce with veins the circumference of whiskey shots.
It varies for everyone. But at some point in this classic holiday cycle that is as apple as American pie, you get distracted. And that’s where we come in. Sometimes you just need some dumb bullshit list to take you away from the reality of consumerism’s unsustainability and your culpability for the subsequent world you are leaving your children. Sometimes, especially around the holidays, it’s good to be reassured of how it’s not your fault how easily you and all other humans are to manipulate into a culture of happiness achieved via empty and meaningless commodities. And sometimes that reminder comes in the form of an online article that exploits your human cognitive weaknesses so you will pay attention. To us.
This is that article. But how do we do it? Here are the top 6 things I can do to get you to click this link!
1) Prey upon your need to have your ego satiated and all the things you want to believe about yourself reinforced by way of a test that tells you which Garfield character you’d be on The West Wing.
Tests that tell you what character you are work well to reinforce beliefs that you really are what you wish you were. Since you already know what character you want to be, we make the answers to get there obvious. Want to be White House Chief of Staff Nermal? Then your favorite color is probably gray and you’re the type of leader who is always nice to everybody. It is impossible to get Jon Arbuckle on this quiz because online bullying makes people kill themselves.
2) Reassure you that you’re smarter than everybody else with claims that only 4 percent of people can pass this test consisting of second grade math problems, a question asking you what an octagon is, and your opinion of Bethany Frenkel.
It’s a competitive world, and confidence is key. And with answers like 7, 5 billion, 7, less than, 3 ducks, a stop sign, and “While I am a regular purchaser of skinny girl cocktails, I don’t, strictly speaking, know her personally,” it’s a test that anybody can cinch. And in this way, even you can can be in the top 4 percent of intelligence. It’s science. The same science that tells us that just believing you are good at something makes you better at it. Not all liars wear capes.
3) A list.
Lists are like articles in small, easily digestible pieces. The trick is to keep it simple and not get all high concept about it or, god forbid, meta.
4) Any list that combines sex, politics, and holidays.
Pretty much everybody is constantly on the lookout for better ways to fuck their wives in these dark days of the Trump administration. And our lives are hectic, with many of us under considerable stress and economic strain. Sometimes it’s just healthy to stop everything and goddamnit let it be Valentine’s Day, OK? The best part of these types of lists is that the subjects are interchangeable based on your preferences. Maybe you’re a “Top Five Pictures of St. Patrick’s Day that Chuck Schumer Wacks Off to in a Broom Closet.” Or maybe you’re more of a “The 18 Weird Halloween Costumes Mitch McConnell Wears to Prevent Premature Ejaculation” type. The possibilities are endless. Chances are there’s a combination that your attention will find irresistible.
5) Pictures of sad baby mammals
Take a look at these and tell me you couldn’t waste your lunch break on this delicious empathy fruit:
6) Whatever, as long as there are at least six items.
Distracting articles need to have enough content and substance so people don’t feel like their time was wasted. Browse on, my friends.